My Weight Watcher’s Viability!!!

I’ve decided to create a special blog about “health”.  I’m no expert or a doctor so you can’t sue me!

My sister, Monica is attending graduate school to be a health fitness instructor, so when I told her I was planning to lose weight she gave me somethig to think about so I want to share these same concepts to you.

A.)  SIZE & AGE

1. Always remember that no one is the same size, especially us women we constantly compare our 5.4′ with 165lbs, being over 30-35 and giving birth to 1 or more child or if we are big boned to a 5.0′ with 110lbs girl who is probably half our age.  Let’s get real here, as much as we’d love to get back into that skinny self of ours we can’t rush it or beat ourselves over it.  Age is also something to consider, no matter what the TV offers remember they are a marketing business to “make money” so do not fall into their scam.
2. Be in mindful that what may have worked for your friends, may NOT work for you, even if you have the same body size and frame.
3. Consult with your doctor first find out what IS your “Body” type:  petite, thin, slender, tall, average or even plus size.  Once you find out what your body type is, then your doctor can help you evaluate what is your body mass and how much fat you need to take out.  The most important thing is to know your body and your doctor would be the best consultant then those weight watchers people (not discrediting them, but please ask if they are a “licensed” MD, many are not and training certificate does not count).  At least for me.
4. Then your doctor will give you suggestions and advice on what you should do or to be aware of; as for me I have high blood pressure and I was a smoker (btw, haven’t smoked in close to 2 months!!)  I’m also older then 30 (Let’s just leave it at that .

B.)  Baby Steps

1. Don’t ever start anything drastic that is the MOST important part of this health remedy.
2. Be GOOD to yourself, when you are starting your weight plan, start small.
3. Never compare your metabolism to anyone in your household, spouse, teenagers or even your peers.
4. Eating styles, more and more magazines and healthcare physicians are “encouraging” for people to snack more often and to eat more meals in the day, but the question is what and how?
5. If you like to drink sodas like me, you don’t have to completely stop cold turkey; just do it in moderation.  For example:  Week One:  I stopped buying cases of sodas and restrict my soda intake to just social gatherings or I’d substitute the soda for ice tea or even fraps, the amount of sodium and syrup intake from sodas not only build up the negative fat in your body but can also rot your gums and teeth, so replacing it with ice tea even with real sugar is not going to do as much harm as sodas would, even with diet sodas it isn’t healthy.  Week Two:  I got use to drinking ice tea that I slowly weened myself into lemonade, but remember you must drink MORE water whenever possible, if you need to add flavor to your water mint leaves or just slices of lemon actually helps.
6. Create goals; whether it will happen or not is not of importance, just the mere fact you started one you deserve a pat on the back.  What I have done;  I will literally create a calendar and I’ll have it in lavendar construction paper with butterfly stickers   Sorry getting my crafty side in here.  I like to create a schedule, but I don’t create it for a whole month or a week, if you’re like me and our lives are so inconsistent and we don’t know how to be consistent, then start with 1 day.  For example; put down small goals like eating a fruit or drinking a fruit juice today.  If it helps put a star or your favorite stickers on the goal you completed that day.  Once this continues for 3-5 days straight, then start your weekly schedule and go from there.

C.)  Feeding the Hunger

1. If you’re like me and you don’t have a consistent schedule or sometimes your insomnia gets in the way, you’re thinking . . . “How do I get 6 meals a day and 8 small snacks in me?”  Here’s my suggestion to you; don’t ever completely go by any health suggestion unless it is strongly encouraged by your doctor.
2. Let’s go back to our homemade calendars we’ve created even if it’s just for that day.  Look at your schedule when you get up while you’re drinking your coffee; go through the list and look at how busy it will be, then you think “Oh gosh I have no time to pack me a lunch, gotta go and get some fatty food to eat as a drive by and then you’ll call your spouse or your child to get the frozen food out for dinner.  Here’s my suggestion:  If your schedule is already cramped, take some snack foods, preferably fruit bars, unsalted nuts, real fruit (not the ones in a cup), and a bottle of water.  If you’re at work and you’re not suppose to have food at your station, then snack on something while you’re up to walk around or when you’re in the break room.  Most importantly do not neglect your hunger.
3. Whatever you do, DO NOT skip breakfast!  You won’t believe how important this is; your body has built up fat over the evening while you were asleep, having to build up more fat for another 4-6 hours is not healthy.  Even if it’s yogart with some oats and a banana, hey you just had breakfast, but most importantly do not skip it.  If you overslept and it’s almost noon, then eat something!

D.)  Mathematics on Food

1. I  don’t know about you, but when it comes to adding, subtracting and multiplying my head begins to hurt, so those who are tech savy, there is an app for you (iPhone Users) called “My Fitness Pal.com”  I use it along with my weight tracker.  Those things are a piece of work!  No paperwork, not looking for your weight diary, who am I kidding I never did that! LOL.  Anywho, this actually does help along with “Fooducate” you can scan any food at your local grocery store and view the health reviews and calories.  For those who are non-iphone/smartphone users; well get out your trusty notebook and start counting! j/k, but seriously it is important to put this in your calendar.
2. When we keep track, it truly helps us to see how far we’ve come and it encourages us to keep going.
3. When cooking a boxed meal, always look at the serving size content and if the sodium is high for that meal, mix it up with more veggies and less carbs and I’ll get to Carbs in the next section.
4. NEVER weigh yourself after you eat, I can’t tell you how many of my friends have done this, unless you want a heartattack, don’t do it!  As the old rule goes:  Weight yourself right when you get up in the morning that will determine your true weight.

E.)  To be Atkins or Not to be Atkins???

1. I want to forwarn anyone who LOVES the Atkins Diet that all of the suggestions I have here is in my own personal opinion along with other doctors I have asked and I’m just sharing my thoughts about the whole Atkins method.
2. I do not believe you should take out any of the food groups in your diet including cholesteral and fat.  Every food group is just as important as the others, the problem we have in the US regarding obesity is that we aren’t being physically active and we take on too much of something so always think “moderation”.
3. I still lost weight without changing the color of my pasta or rice.  I still eat white sticky sushi rice Yum!  You can’t tell someone you’re eating healthy when you have wheat pasta or brown rice if you have so much butter and non-sea salt covering your pasta or rice, you might as well just have it with the white rice/pasta.
4. When eating any type of carbs, always you moderation never over do it.  It’s okay to have carbs in every meal, but if you’re going to do that use more veggies and fruit.  Watch your intake with butter, salt or oil in your foods as well.

F.)  Fitness

1. As I had mentioned in the beginning, you can not compare your body with anyone else, if you are between the ages of 18-25 vs. 25-35 or 35 and up; each of your physical regimene is going to depend on your doctor’s recommendation, but I can say this; if you’re like me and HATE the idea of excercizing, then don’t do it.  There are plenty of physical activity that won’t feel like excercize.  What I did is start with Wii games and I’m not talking about Zumba, I’m talking about playing with my children; boxing, baseball, skiiing; the important part is that you’re getting up and doing something.
2. Getting involved in some physical activity will take your mind off of your depression, your low self-esteem and it is fun when you can involve yourself with your kids.
3. Those who are single or have no children, get a Wii game anyways or a Kinnect, I can’t tell you how much fun it is to invite some of your girl friends and just blast music and have fun in the comfort of your home.  If you are a loner like my husband (hint, hint); what he does like to do is just take walks around the park, downtown area and of course us women LOVE to shop, even if it’s window shopping, but at least we’re getting up.
4. More we are involving ourselves in a consistent physical activity, it will increase our energy to do more and this is where excercize or workout will start to come in.  Remember always start slow don’t just jump on a treadmill, otherwise you won’t feel like you’ve made any changes.
5. Don’t ever forget to praise yourself!  To me I feel it is the most important part of changing our lives.  Losing weight doesn’t have to be boring or without sugars and sweets.  What I do if I feel I’ve accomplished something I do go out and get me a frapp if I’ve completely been off of sodas for a whole week!  The more often I praise myself the more I start to notice my caution in what and how I order food.

I hope these steps were a helpful guide and remember, this may have worked for me, but don’t hold it 100%; please consult your doctor first.  I hope this will guide you to a more healthier and happier you!  I love you all!

Poverty Pimping

I’m writing this note, because there was a status on someone’s page about a young man that robbed a place, I was watching the feedback from some of the people’s comments and most were of racism and ignorance of lack of knowledge of why crime exist in America.  By no means am I excusing ANY criminal behavior, but before we start assuming that people are stealing because of the stereotype reasons; of drug addiction and lack of job by choice, I decided to put in my two cents about what is truly going on.  What I’m about to share with you is what I call, “Poverty Pimping”.  You don’t have to agree with me, but I assure you once you read this I’m sure you’ll find others who will realize this is very true.

 

As long as we have corporates out sourcing jobs in third world countries for slave labor, causing Americans to fall into unemployment while the rich stays richer, the poor remains poor, how does one find employment?  We’ve created a system for people begging for more unemployment instead of creating an incentive way to provide jobs.  Most employment agencies won’t even hire you if you are having poor credit or have had recent bankruptcy, which leaves the employment pool for those of higher status of wealth, while the ones in poverty is stuck on welfare and the middle class is stuck suffering.

 

Plus we’ve stigmatized our children who run away from abusive homes and prosecute them into detention centers all because they’ve fallen victims to child abuse. There are less than 20% of actual kids running away for petty offenses and/or rebelliousness, but most of the children I keep running into are those who’ve fallen into a victim world of child abuse, domestic violence and child sexual exploitation.  We cut programs that provide outreach and resources to children and family, who’s in desperate need to empower the community, but we’ll spend tax dollars to rebuild the same highway that was fixed 2 yrs. ago.

 

If we don’t end this vicious cycle of Poverty Pimping then poverty will only increase, children will be extinct and families will no longer exist.  I’m not saying there aren’t bad people, there are but why contribute to crime even more when it doesn’t need to happen. People are stealing because they can’t afford food, gas, diapers and most become jobless.

 

Whatever happened to tags that say, “Made in the USA”? Now we replace them with starving children who are enslaved 20 hours …a day with very little break all because corporate wants more money in their pockets. We have churches going overseas to assist the homeless and feed the poverty, but people turn a blind eye on our own children. You take 2 girls who are only 11 yrs old. One is an immigrant the other is an American. We raise awareness on Human Trafficking in America, but here’s the problem . . . The immigrant girl gets a Visa to stay here, she gets financial benefits, medical, legal assistant and even a good home. Do you know what the American 11 yr old girl gets? Handcuffed, put into the system and registered as a sex offender as long as she has that label who is going to give her a home, job or even a chance to live?  That registered sex offender child, will commit crimes only to survive.  What kind of a country have we turned into?

 

Poverty Pimping is no different than Human Trafficking and Trafficking  by any means isn’t new or different from any other criminal offenses  that happen, but we tend to sub-categorize it as if it’s different.   Labor victims of trafficking can also be sexually exploited, no victim  is traumatize more by any other, both victims whether Americans or not  need to be treated equally and both traumatic experiences is no worse  then the other.   I hope this helps.

 

Thank you for letting me share.

 

-Survivor

Parents don’t understand

I had a scare earlier this evening and I didn’t know what to do or where to even begin.  I’m always trying to be one step head of my fears, insecurities and anything else that could cause my child any harm.  I went to my son’s game tonight for the first time, since I’ve been gone in the month of September and half of October I missed most of his games so I felt I owe it to him to show support.  I’ve never been to a ball game especially school related so I wasn’t sure how it goes, there’s no instruction book, my husband acts like I’m stupid by not knowing and it hurts, my son doesn’t disclose anything to me.  Any way I went to the game saw my son play and wanted to take him out to eat, but I found out I’m not allowed to take him home he has to ride the bus back with his team, get changed and then come home.  He stated to me he wanted to walk with his friend, I had assumed it was his friend which I won’t name through privacy, but a boy I knew along with his parents, plus my child didn’t disclose to me that he didn’t have his phone with him.  I decided to grab something to eat on the way just in case my child was hungry.  My son didn’t come home until an hour later, it was getting dark, my son wasn’t answering his phone and when I called the boy’s mother she stated to me that she saw my son an hour ago leaving the school building with another boy, a boy I don’t know what he looks like, who he is or where he even lives, but what disappointed me was that the mother said, “Don’t worry he’s from his school.”  I’m sorry, but as a survivor of abduction everybody is under scrutiny, especially when statistics have shown that most people get kidnapped, raped, abused or even trafficked by someone we know or begin to develop a trust or a rapport.  What made me panic was the fact that I couldn’t get a hold of my child.  I drove all over the place, we only live less then 2 miles from the school and I knew he couldn’t be far, I even went into the snow cone place and the lady said she did see him earlier that evening.  All I could think of was the worst case scenario, if I’m over-reacting so be it, I’d rather be safe then sorry.  During the weekend, my son asked me if a kid could come over to play, I felt since I was home it was ok, but I did tell the child I needed to meet his mother, I only let him stay for an hour and offered to drive him home so I could meet his mom, he suggested that I drop him off on some corner street, this brought some red flags.  I remember when I was a child and was living in an abusive home, I never wanted anyone to know where I lived or even knew about my parents/foster parents that were abusing me, so I’d have them drop me off somewhere.

As a mother, I felt some red flags, whether the child maybe in an abusive home or he maybe the problem isn’t the case, what worried me is that my son can attract the kids that are vulunerable in our society.  I know I can’t control him and I let him hang out with friends as long as I knew the parents, where they lived and we had similar family values.  I’ve embedded these rules for him and I’m finding out that they are slipping the more I am traveling and not being in his life, so this is my reason to start focusing on his life.  I can’t be away from him anymore and I need to be the role model that he needs.  My husband does not understand that when you leave your wife and son for deployment she does become the “single” mom, having to do everything on my own.  My father is a cancer survivor and he doesn’t speak English very well I can’t count on him to be the moral support and male role model for my son so it’s up to me.  After my trip in Atlanta, GA; I’ve decided not to take on anymore project until after the holidays and then we’ll take it from there.  This isn’t the first time my son has went off on his own without telling me, this has been the third and I’m wondering what am I doing wrong?  I wanted to share this with other moms who may feel the same way or have gone through it before and have wondered, am I over-reacting because their friends say it’s not a big deal, trust me ladies it is a big deal.  I never imagined that I would be abducted, in fact my abduction with my trafficker wasn’t my first, but I never told anyone and further more I don’t remember anything but vague memories that come in and out.  Thank you for reading and I hope this helps.

 

Child Safety 101 Pt. 4 “Learning about Pedophiles”

Good morning readers and I want to thank you for following my blog.  This morning’s blog is going to be extremely important and very insightful to you readers, whether you are law enforcement, social worker, school faculty or even a parent I created this specific blog for you.  Before I begin I want to give you some insights to “Sex-Offender Registry”.  Please be in mindful that not ALL people who are registered as a sex offender are pedophiles.  Even an 18 year old boy who’s dated a 16 year old girl and the parents don’t agree with their affair will charge that boy as a “sex offender” that doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile, so when you assume you are protecting your kids from a sex offender by keeping your kids away from the registered one, that doesn’t me you are still protected.  Here are some additional insights to those who are still at large and have yet to be caught you need to read this.

I’m writing this specific blog to inform parents that there are MANY pedophiles who have yet been caught and it usually takes about the 40th to 80th victim that they’ve touched or even before they are caught.  Because of my personal experience with traffickers, pedophiles and pimps one thing they all have in common is the narcissism they believe in their minds that these children, women and other vulnerable victims NEED them.   In the last three blogs we talk about family dynamics in how YOU can help your child become safe without strapping on the lock and key in your house.  Today I’m going to teach you what signs to look for and these clues will at least give you hine sight on how to protect your child(ren), even if you have some doubt to my insights, I’d rather you to be safe then sorry.

As we go through the steps, be in mindful that these are only awareness signs and most typically, but not always will go in this order.  Most perpetrator usually go in a certain pattern and this order that I’m using is what most perpetrators use, not all will follow this pattern in this order, but at least you will know how they groom and do not be discouraged when it comes to distrusting the world, it’s about protecting your child.

Step 1.)  The Grooming

This is what “we” law enforcement, psychologist, social workers and advocates call “grooming”.  When a perpetrator grooms the victim(s) this is what they do to gain your trust and when I show you these scenarios it can be anywhere, anytime and any place not just helping out with groceries, but also offer to watch your child, constantly coming to you to give you compliments even to your family members and let me just say this, women LOVE compliments so when a predator is a man he also knows this, so be cautious.

I see this happen alot and it always makes me wonder about the person.  When I use to be a single mom and I’d live in a complex full of other single moms I would notice some guy offering to help carry groceries, now I’m not saying that is wrong, but be very cautious, this becomes a gateway for them to get to know you.  If he’s a perpetrator he just needs to scan your house for only 5 secs to find a specific book, movie or even photos or designer pictures on your wall so he can continue on a conversation, it’s a way for him to get to know you.  A man who is interested in helping and nothing else will respect your space and just help with groceries and leave it at that and won’t try to be “too friendly” and what I mean by ”too friendly”, if you don’t recognize the signs you won’t be aware, but perps have a way to compliment their way into your home, offer to put up your groceries for you or try to find a way to get inside.  Now I don’t want any of you to panic when you have already experience this, if that is the case, then you get as much information from him as well.  Find out where he lives, what does he do for work and if he can’t tell you his employer’s name that is a red flag, most perpetrators won’t reveal their information if they are young or new to the pedophile world, the experienced ones know what information to give and will have a line of people to back them up, if you plan to drive him home, do this with a buddy system ONLY!  Do not drop him off if you are alone, especially being a woman.  If your friends or guy friends tell you there’s something odd about him, listen even if you think the guy is alright, just listen.  (Side note, there are really nice men out there that aren’t perps, but if you hold your guard up a real man will understand and not invade space and respect your boundaries.)

Another common mistake is that these predators will pretend to be disabled, they’ll have a cane, they’ll walk with a limp or say their back is hurting, they may not have a legitimate disability even if they are collecting disability, but they want to help you carry in groceries.  (Here’s a hint: ) Someone who is truly disabled won’t offer to carry groceries, because they can’t.  Remember Ted Bundy who was a serial rapist and killer used this analagy to entrap women so please please becareful.

Clergymen/women:

Now, I know this is a very touchy subject, but I’m going to talk about it.  I can not tell you how many victims/survivors I’ve run into who’ve been a victim of clergymen or women.  We seem to believe that if they are in a church they are immune to doing bad things, this is a very niave approach and can be the most dangerous as well.  Just because he has a passion doesn’t mean he’s a nice guy, remember they are human and they WILL make mistakes, but as far as perpetrators be very leary when trusting them.  If someone tells you they have a bad vibe about them, do not disregard their feeling or tell them maybe it’s them I don’t care how long you know this person, like I said JUST LISTEN, especially when it comes to your children.  The one thing I always notice is that people say, “I’ve known this person and they would never hurt a fly, but when the news broke out about Jeffery Daumer, people in WI was shocked, Jeffery attended church, he was quiet and didn’t speak much and when he did he showed chivalry and kindness so the women believed he was such a “nice guy”.

Ok, this paragraph is pertaining to teens who are dating, most dating ages were 16 when I was a teenager, now I’ve finding out they are dating younger and younger, so the risk line becomes huge.  When you are allowing your child to date and I don’t care how old or how mature you think your child is; the important part is when they meet that “someone” have them brag to you about that person, try to read between the lines.  If the girl goes on and on about how this guy loves to hear about her and tells very little about himself, there’s a red flag.  Most perps will want to know everything about the girl and not go on a equal conversation where the communication goes back and forth.  Take notes about this particular person, find out his real name and not his online name like: sktrboy8, if they’ve been chatting for almost a month and she doesn’t know his real name and where he lives then that’s a red flag.  When they are dating, it’s important to get to know the person your child is dating, not when it gets serious, it’s time to get to know your kids friends/dating partners and affiliations.  Get to know the parents as well, even if things are just beginning, there’s nothing wrong in getting to know your child’s date and their family.

Step 2:  The entryway

Now that he’s got the grooming step down and he’s already got you to trust him/her enough to let them in your home, be observant of their demeanor, watch how they want to spend so much time with your child and not with you.  When a child’s been abused they won’t know the difference of a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship a child will open up.  Do you remember in the good ‘ol days where a child will become silent when meeting an adult and we were told to be nice and let them hug, kiss or pinch our cheeks?  Those children who had bad vibes actually had very good vibes but we didn’t know the signs.  If your child says there’s something strange about that person, JUST LISTEN.  A healthy child (when I say healthy I’m talking about children who were taught to be aware of their surroundings, to listen to their vibe, most of the time they won’t easily approach the stranger right off they will just stand and watch.  If you have multiple children in the house and meeting this stranger who you assume is a helping hand or a friend, you may not be aware but the child that always gets in trouble for school, have been abused or feel the most vulnerable will quickly cling to the stranger, be cautious of that as well.

Being a busy parent you won’t notice much, but here are some insights, the predator will stay in the living room watching you most of the time because in order to get to your kids he/she needs your approval and in order to get that they need your TRUST.  A predator is always more interested in engaging with your child then with you, that is a BIG RED FLAG!  I don’t care if they are a coach, teacher, minister or a youth council; and when I mean they are engaging I’m talking about afterschool activities like taking them to the movies alone, taking them shopping, spending alot of one on one time with them, these are signs that aren’t healthy even if you think it is.  It becomes a manipulation tactic for them to have the child side with them when it comes to detouring them away from their safety net (home). Arm yourself with knowledge; Barnes and Noble promotional codes might save some money on the many quality books about keeping children safe.

Step 3:  The bond

Now that the perpetrator has gain your trust to spend time with your child, they are going to start spoiling them, buying everything and anything for them, but here’s the clue.  They will tell the child that because the gift is too extravagent that their parents may not approve so they have the child to keep “secrets” for them.  Parents I can not urge enough, but you need to talk to your child about “secrets” in the home.  Here’s an example:  Your trusted buddy offers to take your child (son/daughter) to the mall, you think that’s not a big deal, especially if you are a single mom that needs to work and you’re being called in and can’t find a sitter within minutes, wow look how this arrangement worked out just for you!  You go off to work and the only thing on your mind is that you don’t get fired for being late, you want that promotion and etc, etc, etc.  By the time your child is alone with this trusted friend, things start off casually, they go out for ice cream or whatever the child chooses.  He or she will build a buddy system for them especially for a younger child, by rewarding them of their friendship.  So they take them to a specific store in the mall and let’s say “Gamestop” and the child says, “My mom won’t let me play Call of Duty because I’m only 6.”  This is what generally happens.  The perp will buy the gift and show the child the gift they bought only to tease the child.  He/she will later ask the child why they feel they should receive the gift.  If the child feels justified in getting the gift they will say I can handle it, then the perp will have the child promise them to keep secrets and if they break that promise no more gifts, other times they’ll say if you think you can handle “big kid” stuff then you need to do big kid things like keeping secrets.  A healthy child won’t accept gifts from anyone and will find this demeanor unusual and will either run away from the perp by saying they need to use the bathroom or go to another adult in the mall to tell them about the adult they are with, if that’s the case this child was very well trained.

Once the secret has been developed, doesn’t mean it’s too late for you, here’s what you can do to help your child you ask them about their day when the perp is gone, when you ask your child if they received any gifts and you notice some hesitency, then you do not barade them that’ll make them turn away from you.  I know it sounds unfair, but the grooming has already begun, now you just have to ungroom your child from this person.  You say to your child that if this person buys you a gift we need to get them a thank you card and I just want to know specifically what gift it is so that I can properly thank them for, just an FYI this may work for younger children, teens not so much.  In this case if your child rebels, which is usually tweeners and teens (ages 10-14) there’s no use in arguing with them, it’ll make it worse, but you can refrain them from seeing that person again.  You retrain your child that secrets are not allowed in the home and talk to them about child exploitation, have them watch the movie “Trust” with you, even if you feel they may not listen, but showing them the movie will shed some light on what they just experienced.

These three steps are for parents who still have minor children, these steps are here to help you look for signs to be aware of.  I have educated and taught my son never to accept money, toys or gifts from ANYONE without my permission this even goes for people at church, school or even friends/neighbors that we know.  My son knows to call me at all times of his whereabouts, no call no tv, computer, or xbox for a day.  You are the protector of your child, be the parent not a friend.  FYI:  Not all predators will follow this mechanism, most of the time you may not even be aware that your child befriended a predator, that is why it’s soooo important to get to know your child’s friends ALL OF THEM, including their parents as well.

If your child is a walker, meaning they have to walk home from school or to school alone, see if one of the PTA moms live close to you and are willing to have your child buddy with them, if not; then you get them a bike, a bike is much faster for a child to run away from the perp then legs, unless he’s a marathon runner.  On the first week that your child walks/rides a bike from school keep an eye on the approximate time, most of us who work may not have this luxury, so what you do is find out what time your child gets out of school, if your child has a cell phone have them call or text you the moment they are home, make sure the phone will time stamp the call, that way you know for sure your child made it safe.  When your child has to walk to and from school, then you need to TRAIN your child not to associate with anyone, the first rule is to be home promptly, this is not to be rude it’s to be cautious.  A child who feels a parents doesn’t care about their where abouts then the perp will also sense that as well.  I do understand that some parents have to work and is unable to pick up their child from school and many times will have to leave their child unsupervised for a couple of hours, if that is the case make sure there is a phone that the child can use at home at all times, make sure the doors are locked as well.  In a perfect world, we could have grandparents watching our child after school or we can get home in time to pick our child up, but that is not the case.  The most important thing to remember is, if you aren’t training your child to be aware, then you’re not doing your job.  Remember the fire drill tactic, even when there’s no fire we still had to run the drill, this is NO different than a fire drill, your child will automatically learn to protect themselves because you kept them trained.  I hope you have learned something from this and I will write more about grooming with young adult women as well.  If you should have any questions of any of my post you can send your feedback here or send me an e-mail at: chong@chongkim.net   Thank you for following my blog.

Child Safety 101 Pt. 3 “The Internet”

I don’t know about you, but I LOVE the internet.  You know what I love about it?  It’s efficient, it’s quick and definitely a great way to stay connected and find old friends that you haven’t seen or heard from for years, but you know there’s also a bad side to it as well.  The internet world has become a portal for pedophiles, theives and even criminals to into in the privacy of our homes from social networking, bank accounts and also getting to know our children without us knowing or realizing the threat.  Since the mid ’90′s in our personal home, the world wide web has become an open portal for us to go in and do whatever it is our hearts desire, as technology and the internet has improved over the years the portal has become larger then ever before.  I remember going to a party seeing a room full of people and scoping everyone out.  Do you remember having that feeling of some creepy guy staring at you and you immediately walk away, well when it comes to the internet, our human instincts is closed.

Who’s to say that creepy guy you walked away in H.S. is not some girl that you assume you know.  Parents, if you are standing in front of an ATM and making sure no one is behind you to see your pin code, then you need to do the same with your home computers.  When I see children from the ages of 7 to 16 having an iPhone, I think, really?  What could a 7 year old need the internet when most of her time should be spent going to school, playing with their friends and challenging those brain cells.  Then on top of that I see 16 year olds having an iPhone, yeah it looks kewl and all, but you just gave him/her access to privacy of taking nude photos of themselves, accepting and sending obsence pics of one another and then you wonder how the cyber bullying and sexting happens to your child.

I’m an old fashion believer when it comes to family values.  If your child is going into a job where it requires him/her to travel all over the world without you or is a CEO at age 16, then the iPhone seriously isn’t a necessity.  You can use it to encourage them to keep their grades up, but if you are giving your child access to online data on their phone, be in control of the phone as well.  You are paying the bill not them.  Talk to the network provider about limiting or blocking options of porn, obsence pictures, go through their phones before they are asleep.  It’s NOT an invasion of privacy, it’s to keep them safe.  If your child isn’t doing anything wrong, then they have nothing to worry about.

I am a mother with a boy, I tell my son that I will view his phone and if I see a delete button and for every delete button there is, is an hour away from TV, Computer or Gaming system, trust me it works.  I have my son’s password and I will check who he’s adding, besides he just turned 12, so as long as he lives in my house except when he’s 17 or 18 then I hope that he will use good judgement, but I do consistently remind my son that any sexting can be construde as sexual harassment and with him being a male the punishment is much harsh then it is for girls, trust me it is.  It’s time to talk to your kids about their online life, you don’t have to know every detail of their online life, but if your kids can’t add you on their page, then there’s a red flag.

I see too many parents pleasing their teens then taking control of the situation, it’s time to take a stand, what you do today to protect your child will benefit them in the future, they may not understand, but then again did we understand our parents when we were that young?  Quick being a BFF to your daughter and son, trust me they need consistency, structure and a positive role model, if you can’t do that, then who will?  I want to urge EVERY parent, whether you have a son or daughter it doesn’t matter, go and watch “Trust” Directed by David Schimmer, here’s the link if you haven’t seen the trailor.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1529572/

Same rule applies to online gaming and Xbox, PS3 and so forth, if your kids can’t show you the games they enjoy, then it’s time to unplug the game.  Be in control, be safe and thank you for following me.

 

Child Safety Pt. 2 (Single Parents)

If you haven’t read Pt. 1, then I encourage you to, even if you are a single parent the same concept falls with any parent single or not.  I know in my last post it pertained to two-parent homes or active parents being involved in their child’s life, now I’m going to focus this post on “Single Parents”.  Whether you’re a single mom or dad, first off I’d like to give you many many kudos in tackling such a tough job being both parents in one position.  I’ve been a single parent myself so I do understand the hardships that comes along with it.  Having to juggle employment, childcare, sick days, being involved in your child(ren)’s life: sports, plays, PTA and etc is a very difficult task, but it’s not impossible and for being the active single parent makes your child(ren) appreciate you.  In my last post I discussed about family dynamics when it comes to parent and child, “father vs. daughter” relationships, now if you’re a single parent do not feel discouraged if you don’t have that partner to be the “male” or “female” role model for your child(ren).  The most important thing to learn is the relationship, take time out to spend time with your child(ren), this is a MUST, same rule applies to single parents as it does to two-parent homes, if you don’t know much about your child, someone else will and that person may not be in the best interest in your child.

Single Parent & Dating:

One of the common mistakes that I see with single parents is finding a replacement or validation from their suitable partner, if you can’t have certain standards for yourself, then how can you expect certain standards for your child?  Looking for a partner after having child(ren) is like researching for the best babysitter, but in this case it’s more of a life partner.  To be the positive role model for your child(ren), you must present clear and consistent message when meeting a new person.  You are pretty much bringing a stranger into your home, get to know them THOROUGHLY, do not rush into any relationship with anyone!  Talk with your child about you dating again, ask them how they feel.  Most importantly in any relationship with your child(ren) you must always keep an open and honest relationship with your children.  I don’t mean tell them details of how you want to find your prince charming or that one special woman, but be in mindful of how they feel about you dating.  One of the selfish things I would hear a single parent say, “I’m the adult, the child has no say so about who I pick.”  I’m sorry to disappoint you, but if you even care about your child’s well-being then you need to care how they feel about you dating again or at all.  Part of being a parent is to compromise decisions with your child, include them in life making decisions, because it also affects them. 

When single parents have this selfish concept, I would observe family relations going awry, many times I’ve even witness the parent allowing the new partner before they are wed or even discipline tactics are even discussed that this new boyfriend/girlfriend has the ability to give orders to the child.  Not very good, in the beginning of a new relationship if you are trying to discipline a child do it together, so you show the child that this is a team effort and that the child does not have the opportunity to use manipulation to attack the other person, but please chose your partners wisely.  If you are concerned about who your child is dating and feel the need to have your opinion sought out then you need to give the same respect to your child.  I’m not saying allow your child not to have you find someone, but don’t introduce your child(ren) to your date within a month, that is too fast.  Wait at least 2-3 months before introducing your child(ren), then have the new partner spend some time with your kids both together and alone, get a feel from your child(ren) about your new partner, discuss the situation at home without the partner.

The main point here is to watch what you do, how you make your life choice depends greatly on your child’s safety and well-being.  I hope you enjoyed reading this segment.  Should you have any questions, feel free to contact me.  Thank you,

Child Safety Pt. 1 (Family Matters)

(Please note that I am no professional when it comes to parenting or child psychology, but I am a survivor and what I have observed and have spent many years talking to girls and boys in the detention centers helped me to come up with this analogy.  You don’t have to agree with every step, but at least try.  One thing I am familiar with is a predator’s MO.)

FAMILY MATTERS!!!

First of all this subject is mainly for two parent homes or that both parents are actively involved in their child(ren)’s lives or for two grandparents acting as full guardian.  When it comes to the heart of the matter of protecting our child from any type of exploitation, we automatically go in panic mode.  Let me give you some insights, when do you that you are falling into the hands of perpetrators that are waiting for your insecurity to be high and your vulnerability to be wide open.  When I hear parents say to me after sharing my story of exploitation, the one common line is: “I’m going to build a brick wall around my house.”  Holding on to your children or grandchildren isn’t going to help prevent situations like this.  It’s time to look at our family dynamics; living in a two parent home and we fill our lives with technology, games, sporting and church events and most of the time going out a lot and vacationing.  When was the last time you actually stayed home for more than a maximum of 2 hours to get to know one another?  I know most families don’t really know their children’s favorite food, color who they truly hang out with and what girl/guy they have an interest for.  Most parents aren’t even aware of what their child post online like on Facebook, Myspace or Tumbler.  Parents, it’s time to get to know your KIDS!

When we say we are “too busy” we are losing precious time that could be spent knowing our child(ren).  When that moment comes, which I pray it never happens to any of you, when an officer asks you questions about your child and your answer becomes, “I don’t know.”  That becomes a sad situation.  I’m here to give you step by step instructions throughout my blog of Child Safety from Pt. 1 thru Pt. 10 if it gets that far.  Are you ready?

In this blog we’re going to focus on the family dynamics, please go back and read my other blog, “Unplug yourself” I encourage you to look into that before you get into this next blog.  Here is the link so you don’t have to find it:  http://faceoftears.com/2011/07/11/unplug-yourself/

Step 1.

Get to KNOW your child from toddler to teens this is important!  The younger your child is, may appear to be easier because you become their world let’s continue to do that.  If you have “tweeners” spend at least an hour other than dinner to get to know one another, share some of your interest and just go back and forth in the conversation.  Remember be the parent, but also get into their world.  Kid’s at this age are extremely vulnerable to finding other people around them for support, influence and role models.  Spend time with your child individually, if you have more than one then spend 45 minutes instead of an hour for each child, for toddlers and pre-schoolers they are find with even half an hour.  Play games (even video games) this will give you a look of how your child views the world.  (Video gamers we will discuss further in another blog so stay tuned and look for the blog title “Gaming”.)

Side note:  When we don’t reach out to our children, I guarantee you, the pedophile next door may know more about your kids then you do, so if I were you this is the time to get to know them.

Step 2.

How we act towards a gender gives certain messages to our own child(ren).  I remember growing up in a cultured family where “boys” were approved higher than girls.  A Korean father that had girls were looked down upon and yet we wonder why certain traditions seem to continue, but I  have witness this type of behavior even in the American world.  I would hear guys talking to each other about wanting a boy, so they can play ball with, they can do amazing things with their son, this is all great, but remember when you find yourself having a baby girl, shower her with love.  When little girls hear or even feel the negative or resentful vibe of “I wish you were the boy”, you just gave your daughter permission to find another man to feel validated.  There have been studies here’s a link to one of them:  http://www.child-psych.org/2009/05/father-daughter-bonds-and-future-dromantic-relationships.html

Fathers, be aware of what message you are sending to your little girls.  If you have both girl and boy a child learns by how the husband treats his partner/wife.  If you treat your spouse with respect and love your child will expect the same in their relationship, this will decrease the possability of her finding an abusive boyfriend or marry into an abusive home.  Remember, this is not at all 100 % preventive, but it is close.  The close relationship you have with your child the better lifestyle your child will get involved in.

Mothers; this is for you, whether your spouse is your only spouse or your new spouse from a previous relationship; if you continue with any “male bashing” jokes you are sending a message to your boys that they are allowed to be disrespectful to other girls because you are being disrespectful to them.  Your child is just not any man, he is your son.  How you allow your spouse to treat you will also teach your son what he is allowed to do to another woman or girlfriend.

A few years back I went to visit a Battered Women’s Shelter, the only thing I disagreed with was the CONSTANT male bashing in the shelter and even the advocates encouraged it.  It’s one thing to allow your anger surface because of the abuse which should be shared privately with your therapist, not in an open area where your child can hear you.  I would see the trend with mothers coming to a shelter, she left the man and later she had reached her goal to get into a new housing, now that reality has set in, she was never taught even at a shelter in 30 days or less to “love herself” so she decides to find another man to validate who she is.  Most of the time he’s the same type from her ex who was abusive.  When mother is not present in the home, whether it would be at work, school or just going out the family dynamic follows; the oldest beats up on the younger siblings, especially with having sons witnessing the way a mother allows a man to beat her teaches him that it’s okay.  Now, before I have people go off on me I’m not saying at all that the woman allowed abuse to happen, that is not what I’m saying at all, but you know what?  I have seen this cycle continue and somebody needs to be the adult and say enough is enough.  Incarerating men is NOT going to end domestic violence, Mom’s I hate to say it, but you are the mother take a stand and protect your kids, if you don’t want this cycle to continue then take a stand to love and respect yourself so that your child will learn to respect and love you and themselves.  I’m going to speak about things that people don’t want to talk about and if that makes me the BAD person, the truth is you know it’s there and if we don’t talk about it, then we are contributing to the cycle of Domestic Violence, oh and btw woman can batter men too.

Overall, this blog is about getting to know your child, your spouse and your family.  Vacations are nice, but it’s not intimate.  Go camping together, play cards, read and share books of your interest.  If we can spend money going out to eat at a fancy restaurant or a burger joint, then we can set aside some time for FAMILY TIME.

(c) Chong N. Kim, 2011

 

Human Trafficking Awareness 101 Pt. 2 (House/Block Parties)

House Party/Block Party

 

Let me ask you this, have you coordinated a house party before?  If not,  what you do is invite up to, depending on how big your place is but  between 8-15 people in your home, you want to provide snacks, drinks and  etc.  Your guest are welcome to bring additional snacks.  What you can  do is if you are apart of a church you can announce in your bible study  group that you’ll be having a information party about Human Trafficking  and create a sign up sheet for those who are interested, that way you  don’t have to deal with a no response or no shows.  Be sure to let them  know you need serious inquiries only.  If you’re not apart of a church,  ask people at your work or your neighborhood.  Once you pick your 8-15  guests, always let them know that it’ll be an information gathering  about Human Trafficking.  If they ask what is it tell them all the  information will be provided to them at the party.  You don’t want to  give too much information for them not wanting to come.  Also, this part  is optional if you feel the need to collect donations for an  organization, you might want to do that once you’ve found an  organization, did your research and spoke with the Executive Director,  in this case they are likely to help you with additional brochures,  research they’ve done in your area and etc or provide you with a DVD of  their own.

 

1.)  Plan your party about a month from now, at the earliest.  Detail  how you want your party and decide if you just want to leave it as a  small group discussion at first and then do the fund-raising in the next  party is up to you.

 

2.)  Be sure to have plenty of refreshments and snacks and feel free to ask others to bring snacks of their preference.

 

3.)  Once you’ve received the DVD, it’s always important to look over  the DVD so you have a better idea of what to expect and what stories  will be told, so you could forewarn your guest if the details of the  trauma are too significant or if there’s something on the law  enforcement end you don’t understand.  This will give you time to do  your research so that you are informative about your party.

 

4.)  Be sure to collect as many brochures, fliers and information about  Human Trafficking and the hot-line. (These items will be sent to you by  me along with the DVD.)

 

5.)  If you chose to do the fund-raising route, go and research the  non-profit you wish to support, learn about them, visit their facility.   Never be afraid to ask as many questions just as long as it doesn’t  pertain to victim’s stories or the victims’ themselves, all other  information is fine.  Remember you are the one providing financial  donations, you want to make sure it goes to a good cause.  Once you’ve  found the non-profit you wish to support, ask them if they have any  brochures, fliers, DVD that you could present to your group or any other  additional information like: Wish list for victims or volunteers  needed.

 

Once you’ve completed all of the above, you are on your way to create your awareness party.

 

Block Party can be done the same format, the only difference is your  guest will not only be the ones you picked from school/work/church, but  you’re also including your neighbors to participate.  More like  Neighborhood Watch Party.

Any additional questions, please contact me  with the subject line: Block Parties HT to ckim75@hotmail.com

(c) Chong N. Kim, 2011

Human Trafficking Awareness 101 Pt. 1

I want to welcome you and thank you for your interest in wanting to stop  Human Trafficking, as you know there are many elements in doing this  task, my first question is; how much do we know about trafficking?  Do  not fret if your answer is unsure, part of doing something is also  learning about it at the same time.  There are different levels of  trafficking, but the bigger question is what can you do to be part of a  SOLUTION?  I’m going to give you some tips and suggestions, then it is  up to you to decide which ones you feel you’d fit in the best, remember  it’s alright to try a little bit at a time or just one, do not stress  yourself in taking on all the task, none of us are super human so there  is no need to set yourself up for stress.  Always be in mindful that  whatever you do, there will be people who will look at you crazy, ask  questions or even ignore you, that is all normal.  Just as long as you  have 1 person’s attention, you did great!

Here are some suggestions:

House Party/Block Party;  if you’ve ever been to those Mary Kay or  Scentsy Parties then you know what I’m talking about.  The only  difference is that you won’t be selling anything, you’ll be the  educator.  If you decide to pick this, I will send you a DVD about Human  Trafficking so you can educate yourself on this subject, then you can  share the DVD clip to your group/party.  Then you will find a local  Anti-Human Trafficking organization in your area that you respect and in  this house party you ask the people to donate to the cause, you collect  the funds and send it to your local non-profit that you chose.  I will  also be sending you a Power point about Human Trafficking that will  include my personal story, unfortunately I am unavailable to travel  everywhere in the US, so sending this power point will help get the  story out.

Community Organizer;  you can collaborate with your local non-profit to  volunteer.  You can be a mentor, help with paperwork or hand out fliers,  update the website or etc.  You can also encourage your  school/work/church to get involved as well.  Encourage them to get a  speaker to your church/school to come and speak, educate and learn.

Mentor:  Join a mentoring program through an at-risk youth programs and  educate youth about the harms of exploitation, by being a positive role  model and friend.  Places that are in need of mentoring services are  usually at Juvenile Probation Centers in your area or Youth Programs  like Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Consider visiting a successful chapter for motivation and inspiration. This Orbitz coupon code could be available to reduce travel expenses.

Public Policy;  Join a legislative group:  For example a Women Voter’s  group in your area or join the county commission or to go to your county  and collaborate with an existing organization and volunteer there, if  they haven’t started one, you can definitely encourage one.

Social Network;  If you are a busy parent like most of us and would like  to do something, but just don’t have the hours and travel time, then  how about creating a social network page on facebook or ask to join an  existing one, let them know you’d be happy to help add trafficking  articles and post them on their wall.  It’s a for sure way to keep  everyone in the loop.

Any of these ideas that you pick, I will definitely be assisting you in  every way possible, so even if you’ve never done any of these, don’t  panic.  I’m here to help and so are many others.  If you have any  further questions, please feel free to call or write.  I will wait to  hear from your response in what you’ve chosen and then we’ll get into  step 2.

For any additional questions please feel free to contact me via e-mail with the subject line:  Trafficking 101 to: ckim75@hotmail.com

(c) Chong N. Kim, 2011

Unplug yourself

UNPLUG!

Today, more and more of us have become victims of technology that we have abandon our human nature to defend, protect and even be aware of our surroundings. When we get so involved in the media, the technology and trying to be the next “Who’s Who” the one we neglect the most is our children.

It seems that very few families still have a mother who cook home cooked meals, a present father in the picture and even family quality time at the dinner table. Family values and unity is disappearing very fast. I’m very well aware that now two parents must find jobs in order to meet the demands of household survival, but when I see wealthy families who hire a stranger to parent their children, the Gaming world has educated them about society, Internet became the new information data and children, teens and even family members will sit next to each other in the same room without looking at one another, but they are communicating with one another through “Social Network.”

Look, I am all for social network, just as long as it is used “responsibly” which I have seen that it is not. Technology is excellent for networking, organizing and even to have immediate access to our loved ones far away, but it shouldn’t consume our lives replacing true human service or contact. Since the world wide web have entered in our homes, crimes have increased to new levels, we’ve allowed unlimited amount of strangers to into our homes, shared intimate pictures of ourselves and even our children only to hand deliver our babies to pedophiles who awaits on the other side of their computer.

Marriages and the world of courtship on the Internet are slowly dissolving. Young adults aren’t dating as much anymore. Men and boys would rather indulge their pleasantries to online porn then make love to their wives. Young girls exposing body parts on their profiles without shame and the more these photos are exposed to the public the younger our victims become.

About a couple of years ago, my son was having problems in school, we did everything put him in time out, took away privileges and even added more chores; nothing was changing. The discipline would start he’d improve a day or so then he’d return to his unhealthy behavior. Then one day I realized it wasn’t him that needed to change it was the WHOLE family.

I was drowning myself into my emails and Facebook, my husband with his laptop and his anime and my son into online gaming as well as the Xbox. Then it hit me, what if we unplugged 1 day a week. No cell phones, no Internet, no gaming and no television? That one day we’d have to spend “Family time”. So, we gave it a try, we all agreed on one particular day consistently every week. In my family it was Monday. We would rotate in coming up with ideas that had nothing to do with Internet, gaming or social network. This is when I had to dig up ideas from the 80′s. In our family we spent our Mondays going to the park, museums, live sporting events, playing cards or board games at home, putt putt golf, bowling and many other activities that not only brought us together has a family, but it became the cure to my son’s grades and it improved my son’s behavior in school.

All children need a healthy environment and consistency alongside with their family. When parents aren’t giving time to children then children will not dedicate their time either. Our babies are learning these unhealthy behaviors from us. I believe we all need to unplug from our digital world and start focusing on our values. I am challenging EVERYONE whether you are just a couple, single or a family unplug once a week find alternative activities to do not only will it improve your awareness and surroundings, but it will also improve your health.
Well, I’m going to leave you with this, real friendship and communication is people we see face to face not behind a screen, it is only an illusion of what that other person wants you to see. Do not be afraid to turn the computer off, put your phone down and go out and have a life. Thank you for allowing me to share!