Tears of a Clown

“Everybody wants to see a “Clown”, but nobody wants to understand.” -C. Kim

I’m writing this blog specifically for my fellow survivors, because I do understand.  We’ve heard it all before, “If you tell your story, you will save many lives.”  “They want to see your face, because it’s REAL to them.”  And my FAVORITE!  “We are looking for “new” victims, someone who’s just been rescued.”

Now this is what I will share with you what all of those comments sound to US (Survivors).  “Tell your story and you will get 15 minutes of fame and after that you won’t matter because our ratings will get to rise.”  “We don’t believe you until we see the tears in your eyes.”  And last:  “Well . . . you’re getting old and we are tired of hearing your story and we’ve heard it all before, so we need a fresh meat to exploit.”

Let me give you a little hint:

This is not just based off of my own personal experience with media, journalist, and TV Hosts; but I’ve heard the outcries and hurts from my fellow brothers and sisters.  I have however heard on the otherside of the spectrum of journalist, media and TV Host the most common question.  “We CAN’T find survivors that are willing to speak.”  Want to know why???  READ ABOVE!!!

Please note that I’m not attacking ALL journalist, media or TV Host, but most of the ones that have said the same thing as above, yes I’m talking to YOU.  I’ve been able to be strong enough to stand up to share my story so I will say this to you on behalf of my fellow brothers and sisters of exploitation/trafficking.  We are NOT your pet or a caged animal or clown, we are people who have feelings and what you are DOING is exploiting us.  If a survivor contacts you to share their story, suggestion:  take it, but don’t exploit it.  DO NOT look for new victims even if they want to, they NEED to heal first instead of their trauma being sensationalized.  This blog is for you my survivors so that you are not fallen short in media exploitation.  Here’s a scenario that most of us go through:

We get a call from a major  TV production company that says our story is amazing.  We aren’t being compensated for our time, we don’t have an attorney to represent us so that we can AVOID being exploited further, then we are given this glamourous promise.  “Guess what!  You get to come to (NY or LA), shop around, hang out downtown and see the popular scenary that you see on TV!  Then you get an awesome make over and get to meet the TV Host!”  REALITY:  They fly you in, by the time you settle into this nice hotel it’s past dinner time so you end up missing out on dinner, then the next morning they have you up and early to prepare for the TV shoot/interview.  They go over the contract so fast that to you it sounds like foreign language, you don’t understand and the demeanor of the rep doesn’t look warm and inviting, they look rushed so without obliging you sign the dotted line without realizing that any footage they have on you they OWN it, NOT you!  You still haven’t ate you’re anxiety is rising on top of that this is your FIRST TV interview, you are risking your life, your vulnerability and your innocence to be exploited on television, but you rationalize yourself by saying, “I’m helping others.”  They put you in a “dressing” room nothing like you see in the movies, these are just finger snacks, but you eat them any way, then they have you sit in the make up room for a coupe of hours to do a make over on you, once that is done all you can think about is wanting to say Hi or Thank you to the host of TV for taking the time out to bring up this issue, but then you find yourself not having that time.  Once the interview is done and they got what they wanted from you, they immediately fly you out so you can be home.

Excuse me if I sound like a Bitch, but this is NO way to treat a victim/survivor; you are asking a very big thing and you play as if it is small and petty and you have NO idea what further trauma you have just caused here.  1.)  Quit promising glamour if you’re not going to deliver; you’re not talking to a TV star wanna be.  YOU asked for us to be on your show, YOU begged for us to share our story and yet this is the F*cking thanks that we get???  I’m posting this for other survivors who have YET to be exploited in this way and I want to TEACH them to ASK for what they feel they deserved.  I undrstand that compensation for an interview is slim to none unless you are loaded with attorneys by your side or you have become a survivor-celebrity, but for those who are unknown here are some tips for you:

1.)  Ask specifically who you are talking to, get first and last name and a contact e-mail and phone.

2.)  Whatever they PROMISE you, don’t believe it unless it is in WRITING and e-mail does NOT count.

3.)  If you have a caseworker, counselor, pastor share with them your concerns.

4.)  NEVER compromise your safety, if you DO NOT want to share your face you have that RIGHT.

5.)  If you feel the need to be flown in a day or two before the interview and the day or two after, be sure to let them know that and any big time TV productios don’t believe them when they say they DON’T have the budget for it, if they can afford A star celebrity on their show they CAN afford you.

6.)  When in doubt, do NOT obligate yourself to say yes you are not in debt with them, they are ASKING you.

7.)  Final Note:  Since most of you may not have an attorney to represent you, you now have ME, if you are going through this please do not hesitate to send me an e-mail and I WILL find someone to help you, you don’t have to be re-exploited.

There is NOTHING wrong in sharing your story, to empower and enrich the lives of others just as long as you know full and well this is what YOU want and not the obligation of the church/religion, counseling or even peers if you feel you need more time to heal please follow your heart, others can wait.  I pick the title: “Tears of a clown” because that is how we are being treated, the audience wants to see a face, but after the show is finished we are sent away as though we are nothing and regardless of how strong the survivor is, by treating them like a clown only puts them behind the bars you create to seperate the freak behind the cage and the rest of the world.  I am writing so my brothers and sisters will learn to stand tall and ASK for respect and have the freedom to share and empower others without further exploitation.  Thank you for letting me share . . .

Love,

Me

 

Pimping = Slavery

A few years ago when I was a freelance Legal Advocate for women and girls that were in prostitution, a young girl (15) called me and wanted me to meet with her alone.  I agreed to meet with the young lady and she was in tears and didn’t know what to do.  She confessed that she was involved in prostitution and she thought she was in the wrong not a victim.  Shortly after I hadn’t heard from her, when I called her phone the person that answered said she committed suicide.  I went to the funeral to pay my respect to her and an adult woman who happened to be her caseworker gave me the young girl’s diary.  In her diary she shared her deepest secrets of how she became a child prostitute and how a teacher’s aide at her school coerced her into it.  I went to the school and approached the school counselor and said I’d like to be a guest speaker at your school about trafficking and stranger danger awareness.  The school counselor said to me that there was nothing wrong with their school and there is no child prostitution going on.

 

I made a bargain with the school counselor and said, “I have a DVD of a popular music video “PIMP” By 50 cent, if the students are not familiar with the video I will pack up my things and will not show my face again.  The counselor agreed so we set up a time and date for me to speak at the auditorium.  I TV was front and center, I placed the DVD in and the music video popped up, the music haven’t even been played yet and as the students walked in, they cheered with glee cause they knew what this music video was about.  I looked at the school counselor and she stood there in shock.  Let me remind you that this was not a public school it was a Christian Private High School.  I didn’t play the whole video just the beginning, just enough to see how many students were familiar with this type of music.

 

When the students sad in the bleachers, I challenged them to get a pen and paper and to draw a line in the middle.  Write woman on one side and man on the other.  I told them if they were familiar with the video to describe to me in one word list what they believe the music represented.  Then I asked for 6 volunteers (3 girls/3 boys).  The amazing thing was they ALL had the same answer:  woman (half naked, dog chains around their necks, silent, behind the man); man (front, center, kings, master, fully clothed)  after reviewing what they wrote, I told them when they listen to these types of music and see no harm they are encouraging slavery.

 

I then pulled out a large poster of the Atlantic Slave Trade of a Master that was fully clothed, front, center, status of wealth and a cane, in front of the slavemaster, was the slave: half naked, silent, dog chain around their necks.)  The children gasped with surprise.  I told them that the word “Pimp” is nothing of fashion, but a contribution of slavery.  After the presentation, few of the girls came up to me and confessed that someone in their school had promoted prostitution through a record label deal.  I encouraged the girls to share this information to the school counselor and after wards we had the police involved.  We don’t realize what is circulating in the media or what our children are watching and when we say it’s harmless, it only becomes a stepping stone of encouragement of that type of behavior.  I wanted to share this with you to help you realize that even something so small as a music video can encourage a young child’s mind that slavery is ok.

 

Note:  Due to confidentiality, I did not note the person’s name, school or whereabouts of the school, but all is true and this is just an FYI that we need to encourage schools to join in the fight of slavery.

 

Thank you!

Pass Her By

The still picture of her smile,

resembles a life she had.

The date that it was taken

was the last memory of her

spirit dancing.

Beyond that point,

only one can imagine,

but do you stop and wonder

if she’s still pleading?

You look, then walk away.

You excuse yourself

by saying,

“She’s not mine.”

Doing Nothing,

makes you part of the problem

NOT the solution.

You go home remembering

the face of the girl,

you stare at your own children

and think,

“No, it’s not going to happen to me.”

In the evening you kiss your girls

goodnight and just know in confidence

that they’ll be there to wake you in the morning.

Morning rises and laughter fills the room

you kiss them goodbye as they ride the

bus to school.

You head to work, assuming things

will remain the same as usual.

You come home, you see police cars surrounding

your perfect lawn.

You walk in to find your spouse on the couch,

then it hits you.

Your little girl has become the girl

you saw in the picture.

Now that you’ve passed her by,

just imagine how many more will pass yours.

 

(c) Chong N. Kim

 

I wrote this in anger, because I saw people walking by Walmart, a wall filled with “Missing Children” and people DON’T CARE.  This angers me and nor do I EVER wish this on anyone, doesn’t mean it won’t happen.  Traffickers are nothing but Beasts, they hunt, they prey, they watch and then they pounce and all it takes is for them to have up to an hour to escape and do what they do best.  I’ll leave that part up to you.  This note is to make you angry and make you WANT to do something.  These victims aren’t prostitutes so quit calling them that.  They are our children.

Hear me roar!

I decided to write a blog about my “Pet Peeves” it’s been long and I want to set something straight. I’m going to be completely honest and blunt here so bear with me and if you find any of this offensive, then at least you know the truth.

1.) My first pet peeve is being called a “Victim”, my tragedies have been over 10 years and I’ve come a long ways in reaching my goals from where I have been, so calling me a victim only states that I’m still broken, missing and hopeless; even if that’s not what is meant to be, trust me “we” the survivors HATE it! I’m an over-comer, I’ve been through things that most can not even relate, but you know I refuse to falter in anyone’s demise and I will rise and spread my wings, calling me a victim is only going to make me thrive even stronger and you’ll lose out on survivors wanting to speak at your event.

2.) What are experts? This is one of my biggest pet peeve, I’ve asked to collaborate with certain affiliations and have been told that I’m not an expert in the trafficking arena. Are you kidding me???? People wonder why we never get anything done, we put a wall between survivors and academics, it’s time to tear that wall down and work together, haven’t you people learned what “unity” means?

3.) When church becomes a system. You take a victim who’s in need of food, shelter and clothing, you tell her that in order to receive services in your church/program she must commit to God, um . . . I don’t remember Jesus ever saying that to Mary Magdeline? He opened his heart and she loved him in return, not by obligation. I don’t believe God’s love is a bargaining chip so why are so many churches doing this? If you do, you are no worse then a trafficker/pimp. Yes, I said it! Quit concentrating on converting people and just do what God asks of us, help those in need without obliging to your agenda. God is not selfish, God is love and what I’ve learned and truly believe in my heart is that God’s love is a gift not an obligation. Also, if these women/children have never experienced anything healthy in their lives, what makes you think they know what denomination to convert to? Shouldn’t it be their choice not yours?

4.) This is particularly to journalist. I’ve met many different types of journalist and interviewees and let me tell you there are some who ask very good questions and some can even tug at the heart, but when you say something stupid like: (A) Why would you be a madame after going through what you’ve been through, how vile can you be? First of all, let me say this: Traffickers, kidnappers and pimps aren’t going to let you walk away because you FEEL like it, I have no idea where you assume that we can, because seriously I’d love to have walked away when I could. Being a madame wasn’t a choice it was survival and if you are having a hard time grasping onto that, ask a psychologist that studies trauma and Stockholm Syndrome and quit assuming I wanted to victimize other people. The other question I get is: (B) Why didn’t you run away, same concept as above, if I could I would and don’t even mistaken that I haven’t tried, we try we get beat up, but then we’re called weak because we didn’t try hard enough, I’m sorry but I’m not Jet Li and if I could kick ass, boy that would be a dream! Last question is: (C) Your trafficking experience has been less than 2 years so that’s not that long. Okay, before I go off on someone, SERIOUSLY???? I don’t care what your editing protocol is, if you’re going to be a journalist you need to re-educate your editor on how to appropriately ask sensitive questions to victims/survivors then you wonder why no one wants to speak up, because of your STUPID questions! There was a study on jail cells, especially pertaining to solitary confinement and the psychological damage it can do to an adult much less a child and a law enforcement official decided to try this for only 2 days, the end result was the officer that volunteered to be in confinement became angry, agitated and suffering from PTSD even just two days. No window, no light, no clock to tell time just a four cylinder wall to stare all for 24 hours a day, you tell me if that wasn’t so bad.

By all means, I am not trying to bash anyone, but please understand my frustration. I have tolerance for certain things, but for stupidity and ignorance I have no tolerance for. Instead of being offended of my feedback, take this as a guide, because trust me I have a lot of survivor friends we discuss what we don’t like to be asked, otherwise you’ll find yourself empty handed when rescuing others. Oh btw, don’t look for new victims you sound like a trafficker when you say that, they need to heal and you need to back off. This is all I have to say. Thank you for reading.

There’s nothing funny about words

This past weekend, I had the opportunity once again to volunteer for an amazing youth program called, “HOBY” (Hugh O’Brian Youth Leadership Seminar) that goes on once a year around the world for 3-4 days.  HOBY is a program that inspires our youth today to become leaders for tomorrow, if you are interested please check out: http://www.hoby.org and look for your location to volunteer, sign up and be inspired!  I started HOBY in 2007 and have been a Facilitator and Speaker and have been intrigued ever since.  I plan on signing my son up for HOBY when he’s 15.  This weekend the 12-15 in May, we were advocating about bullying, from cyber-bullying to how words can destroy a person.  We hear the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”  For those who’ve been affected by verbal abuse, bullying and emotional abuse knows this phrase is far from ever being true.  I am so inspired by my ambassadors at HOBY that the kids want to do something to end bullying.

What I find disheartening and sad is that our school faculty isn’t the first to stand up when their ultimate responsibility is to protect our kids and that it is the “bystanders” the “witness” that are sick and tired of seeing the abuse that they decide to do something about it.  We need to be inspired and DO something to change this.  Not only are the GLBT affected by bullying, but so are the disabled and anyone who is “different”.  I’m a survivor of bullying and I went to a school where no one did anything, except for a few teachers that later was fired or quit because the school board refused to do anything about it.  I had one inspiring principal that said to me, that if I quit I allow the bullies to win, but if I make it til graduation, I would open the doors for other minorities to attend at that school.  Ten years later, my sister ended up as a cheerleader, popular and ahead of her class, just as long as she didn’t have to endure what I went through is an improvement in my eyes.

Bullying can stop, when we start talking about it and stop ignoring the signs and using words like: “We were just kidding, it’s only words.”  To you it may not have hurt, but the other kid it impacted them in a very negative way.  As for my friends who believe in otherwise about GLBT, I don’t care what your religious preference is, as long as you are around me you WILL RESPECT everyone in my group and my friends you don’t like it, you can leave because I have ZERO tolerance of abuse of any kind.

If you want to be inspired check out HOBY’s youtube video “Sticks’n stones” and be cautious the words may trigger you, but listen to the powerful point it’s trying to make.  Here’s the link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjd1zyWWbfg  (You probably won’t be able to see it, but just listen, it is VERY powerful.)

I hope reading this blog you’ll be inspired to do something, if you are interested, please contact your local anti-bullying organization, if you don’t have one contact the Domestic Violence Center or your Youth & Family Services or your school counselor, show them this blog or this video if they don’t think it’s an issue.  Thank you for letting me share.

Lost Values

In the past few weeks, I’ve noticed people posting and bashing each other’s view about religion, politics, celebrity’s life and how our economy is falling.  Let me tell you this:  We don’t live in a third world country, where there is NO Democracy, no Women’s Rights and no Community resources to fall back on.  We live in a life of luxury, even people in poverty have welfare to fall back on, government housing to live in, they have a car, cell phone and they are still able to support their smoking and drinking habits with welfare funding???  Imagine, being in a foreign world where all you see  these other people in their country, living in a one room hut with dirt on the floor, it’s not being supported by Government Housing, the people in the village come together to bring support.  Yet these people are not distracted by the media or technology, they sing, they dance and they just hope for today.  In this country, we put away our parents in a Nursing home, we kill our babies because we don’t want to be parents and it’s called “Our Rights”; we have ongoing access to technology, TV, the internet, news, drama and we tell ourselves life is so hard that we need a “drink” whether it’s choking down alcohol or Starbucks, but yet we can afford it.  We demand so much and yet we don’t stop to realize that we don’t NEED these luxuries.

If you have a home, whether it’s Government housing, house, trailer or apartment; it’s a home be appreciative for it.  After my escape from trafficking, I slept in gas station bathrooms, I cried in the middle of the night when someone would bang on the door.  Without my identification, I couldn’t get welfare, I couldn’t get free meals at a local shelter and I couldn’t get resources, but the one thing that made me realize was that I was blessed beyond measures.  I was no longer being beaten, I was no longer trapped in chains of bondage, even though I was homeless, I could come and go whenever I pleased.  I humbled myself and hung out with other homeless people that each told their unique story and it changed my perception forever.

I’m not a religious person, but I do believe that God sustained my sanity long enough for me to stop and truly appreciate the things around me.  When I was hungry, there was a small restaurant that would feed me without asking me for my identification or assuming whether I was an illegal immigrant.  The restaurant manager would hold a plate for me out in the back so that I could eat.  To me that was a blessing.  A nurse let me sleep in one of the hospital beds, so I wouldn’t have to sleep outside in the cold, that was a blessing and I had families with true Christian values that invited me into their home to show me what values that God wanted them to share with me, that was a blessing.

Our country isn’t perfect by any means and yes there will be corruption and injustice, but give me a country that doesn’t have either?  Before we can go and help others we must fix the problems we have here first, otherwise this country will be falling under.

We need to stop and learn to appreciate what our country has given us, before it becomes instinct.  We’ve lost family values, we’ve lost our minds with lack of morals.  We are a country that is thriving on a multi-billion dollar industry of sex and labor slavery and we are just cashing in everyday.  So, continue to rant and rave about what little rights we currently have, then you wonder why I am depressed.

Thank you for letting me rant!

Abortion vs Adoption

This has been a very sensitive subject by both conservatives and liberals, I want to share my personal view and you can take it or leave it, it’s up to you.  What I’m sharing is from personal experience and I’m not asking you to agree with me, but at least you will know where I stand on this subject. I am a mother of two beautiful children, one I had placed for adoption.  My daughter, who I placed for adoption was a result of rape at that time.  When I first found out I was pregnant, I did think about abortion, I’m not going to lie, but I had no money and was not aware if there were resources for me.  After carrying the infant in me for 9 months, I didn’t think about the rape anymore, I started to concentrate on the baby’s welfare and fell in love with the infant, even though I knew the reality for me to keep the baby was not an option for me.

During my adoption process we talked very little about grief and there was no aftercare or grievance classes for birth mothers dealing with their losses.  I’ve witnessed birth mothers who weren’t strong enough or ready to place; relapse into a life of chaos, drugs and sex.  I don’t believe adoption is for every woman, it takes a very special woman to give her child to someone else and if your child happens to be born with a syndrome, there is no guarantee that an adoptive family will take them, the babies will be sent to a State home for disabled infants, what kind of life would that be?

Since, my adoption I relapsed back into drugs and prostitution.  Trying desperately to fill the void of a lost child that was inside of me.  Without the proper resources and support for birth mothers and those dealing with rape, I went into a downward spiral.  It took me years to handle my depression.  There’s not a moment that goes by that I don’t think about her.  Every year I do celebrate her birthday, me and my son we bake a cake for her and light the candles of the year that she will be turning.  I think about what she will ask me, why I placed her and how was she conceived and at this moment the only thing I can think of is to tell her the truth.

I don’t regret my adoption experience, it made me who I am today, but there were things that the adoption agency did that I did not agree with or needed improvement.  I felt like a baby machine, if I became pregnant again the adoption agency I was with, automatically told me to place my son for adoption without realizing how this baby was conceived, to me that wasn’t right.  It sounds like a marketing tool and remember adoption agency is a business whether founded through a non-profit or not, it’s still a business making adoptive parents happy, but what about the birth mothers?  What happens when she places her baby, where will she go?  If a birth mother happens to be a rape victim, will she be suggested to stay silent so the to be parents won’t know that the child was conceived out of rape?  These are issues that aren’t being talked about from a survivor’s point of view.

I had a friend three years ago that was very promiscuous and found out she was pregnant, she immediately wanted to abort and her reason was: “I’m not getting fat for this baby.”  I was very disheartened to hear her say that, knowing what I went through was not an easy task.  As a good friend I went to an abortion clinic with her to support her endeavors and it made me very uncomfortable, after her procedure was done, she looked in the trash can and said, “I’m done” with a smile.  I went home and took a shower, I felt filthy being around her and I cried.  I saw that lifeless body in the trash and I vomited.  Apart of me wanted to slap the sense out of her, she laid and played and she should’ve thought about pregnancy before she slept around.

I personally do not believe abortion should be used as a birth control method, I do believe that if a woman or the infant’s life is at risk that should be an option as well as sexual assault/rape of any sort, but to go to the abortion clinic every time you get knocked up?  Whatever happened to self control or taking responsibility?  I will respect a woman who places her child for adoption because she’s not ready to be a parent, then a woman who goes to an abortion clinic on a regular basis because she doesn’t want a kid.  When I was pregnant the first time, I heard her heart beat, I cried.  I couldn’t believe I was carrying a life and it was up to me to decide what was best for her.

My reason to share this was, I was given a link about a Congressman who wanted to redefine “rape” in order to pass an anti abortion bill and there were things I agreed and disagreed.  Like I said, there needs to be some accountability toward adults having sex, stop and realize that sex also comes with responsibility and consequences if you are not careful.  I have friends on both conservative views as well as liberal views and I agree and disagree with both, so I decided to voice my opinion here.  Thank you for letting me share.

Finding the REAL you!

Lately, I’ve been attracting both men and women who are currently going through a divorce, looking for new love in all the wrong directions and finding empty promises.  I decided to share some insights of what I learned about healthy relationships.  I noticed online there are very few books on Domestic Violence on Christianity.  Most of my friends are “Christians” and yet they find the wrong people all the time.  In church we don’t usually talk about dating or get into the deep elements of our emotions or our sexuality, it’s just not right to talk about that, but if we have those feelings of infatuation even as adults who do we talk to?  I’ve realized most not all women would dream to find that “Perfect” man that they see in the movies.  The one who will open doors for them, pull out chairs and bring flowers and teddy bears.  Most men will say it’s only fairytale, but in my experience I found that man in my home.

The day my husband proposed to me I said, “I’ve been beat down, I’ve been manipulated and abused and I refuse to go through that again.  You will respect me, you will treat me like a Queen and I will be treated like an equal partner in this relationship.  If you ever lay a hand on me I will be that crazy Asian woman that will be chasing you down the street with the cast iron skillet.” and I looked at him straight in the eyes and his response was, “Does that mean, yes?” and smiled.  Our marriage isn’t perfect, but I can guarantee that he’s not abusive, he doesn’t belittle me and always make sure that me and my son are very well taken care of.  That to me is a man.

Whether it’s a “Christian” man or not, the point is you’re tired of hurting, needing, begging and submitting yourself to emotional abuse and shame, well to find the right guy, you must first re-learn to LOVE yourself.  How can you expect someone to love you with all your baggages, shame, low self-esteem and issues if you don’t want to even bother with his?  And if you do, then you might need to reevaluate why you want a relationship in the first place?  If you’re looking for a man to fix your problems then you’ve found a man to control you as well.  Wouldn’t you want to be self-sufficient without needing a daddy or another baby to take care of?  Companionship is about being adults and being respectful.  But how you look for that man is how you present yourself.  I’ve seen women who are not physically attractive that can find a very handsome man and vise versa, it’s how he/she carries themselves.  I know it hurts that he left you and leaving you high and dry with the kids, no bills paid and not recognizing his responsibility.  Instead of sulking, do something get mad and change the circumstances.  1.) Take down all his pictures around the house and replace it with positive quotes or pictures around the house.  2.) Find positive music to revive that old soul of yours, remind yourself that you are worth the wait and to be catered to.  Never take anything less.  3.) Treat yourself; go to the movies without the kids, girls night out, find you a cute outfit you’ve been wanting to wear.  4.) Finding new hobbies; take a course in school, workout, redecorate your home, do something spontaneous, but fun!  5.) Never forget to heal, read a bible or a self-help book, praise yourself for moving forward even if it’s only been one day, but praising yourself is a self-esteem boost.

It took me years to figure out why I was picking all the wrong ones and the hardest part for me was to admit it was me that was the problem.  I didn’t realize I had issues and trauma to deal with, I was so use to boozing it down when I was depressed or get high when I was stressed out; but since I’ve been clean and sober for nearly 11 years I’ve learned some new ways to help me cope with my problems.  I’m not saying you have to be perfect to find the suitable partner, but it does help if you’re not always in crisis and in the midst of drama all the time.  A healthy person knows to set boundaries and will eventually walk away from you if you continue to turmoil yourself.  Only an abuser will stay, because that’s all they know and they think they can “fix” it or control you.  I’m going to give you some steps and these are from my personal experience that I’ve learned what to do and what NOT to do.

If you are a single mother, when you first meet a guy NEVER invite them to your home!  Find a meeting place: restaurant, book stores, coffee shop, mall, museum etc.  Some place public, if you don’t want to go alone, invite a friend to go with you.  Whatever you do, find a sitter never assume he’s too short he can’t hurt me or he seems really nice and he has kids too.  Those type of thinking can get you hurt, it’s better to be safe then sorry.  Never talk about your problems, he doesn’t need to know what you’re going through.  You don’t know him long enough to even call him your best friend, be a lady and keep your problems with the pastor, priest, shrink or very close friends.  A woman who shares too much and too fast gives an abuser ammunition to use against her later.  Don’t expect anything out of the meeting, be in the moment enjoy a appetizer together with some nice wine.  Talk about hobbies and ambitions on your issues.  Healthy people love stimulating conversation that can challenge the mind: talk about weather, science, books you’ve read, what you like to do other than being the housewife you use to be.  If you have kids, don’t give too much information about them.  Just say I am a single mother of #? and leave it at that.  Once you’ve DATED not sex for over a month to 3 months, then you can slowly talk about your kids.  Each person’s pace of waiting is different, my personal preference is 3-6 months of dating before I talk about my kids.

I’m going to talk about SEX, because no one else is.  Most women who’ve been abused in our lives, we’ve used sex to validate who we are, to keep a man happy and for score keeping.  I’m going to go with the same concept of dating, how you find a man in a dating scenario is the type of man you’ll get in bed.  I’m not going to preach to you and tell you not to have sex, you’re going to do it anyways, but what I can do is provide some insights.  If you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend, husband, lover and you are use to that physical companionship, you’re going to want to find that person to fill the void.  You must first ask yourself are you ready to be intimate with a total stranger while you know you are thinking of him/her?  Is that aftermath of shame worth it?  Even just to get back at them, how do you think it will make you feel if the other person isn’t affected by it?  He/She could always say, wow I didn’t know you slept with that stranger and laugh at you?  Wise girls don’t kiss and tell.  If you’re going to find a man to be intimate with make sure they treat you like a Queen, no backseat of a car, or a roach motel, that shows little respect he has for you.  Having sex on a first night is NEVER a good option, remember you must respect yourself first before you can expect anyone else to respect you.

If you’ve been single for awhile now and is still looking, then write out what you are looking for specifically.  If you are looking for a Christian partner, then start joining in Christian single groups at your local church.  Remember when you create your list, ask yourself if the tables were reversed would you accept it as well?  Most of us don’t realize that we can set too high of a standard that makes the other runaway and if those standards were given to us we’d say no, so be reasonable.  The only expectation from any partner is: respect, dignity, loyalty and equality.  If your partner doesn’t treat you the way he/she wants to be treated it’s time to go.  Most importantly, you must deal with your baggages before moving forward to a new relationship, take care of you and love the NEW you!

Poster Child

Depression is like an ocean wave, it comes and goes and depends on the tide it sometimes linger in ways we can’t describe.  There are moments I don’t want to ever talk again, share my story or be in the media.  Every time I do share, it takes an emotional t0ll on me.  Even with medication and years of therapy and healing it isn’t easy rehashing the trauma all over again.  It’s very disheartening when I have people use “God” as a manipulation to get me to share my story.  Telling me it’s God’s will for me to share my story to help those in silence, I’m not Moses nor do I want to be.  When I share my story I share it to talk about my recovery, how I recovered and what steps that contributed my road to recovery.  It’s very overwhelming at times and I don’t think the public understands.  I’m human too and I feel like if I say something that I did or did not mention in my previous interviews or speaking engagement there are ridiculous assumptions of what the public thinks of me.  It is my prerogative to share what I want to share and it is my discretion of who I want to share it with.  When it comes to the media, I’m very limited to what I want to say and how I was trafficked and I’m getting annoyed with these insulting assumptions, if I shared something with you that wasn’t posted in an article or the media, feel privilege because I don’t share it with everyone.

Being a poster child comes with it’s own price, the media loves a story and a survivor’s story at best, but what the public doesn’t understand is that it can destroy lives, tear families and friends apart and create an ego that shouldn’t be there.  When I feel the pressure I feel like curling up in a ball and hide.  I don’t know if this will be a relation to anyone, but at least it will be an open mind concept, but I’m a Korean-American and growing up in a tight culture where our past transgression should be kept silent especially if it was violent whether we caused it or we were the victim makes no difference, it’s just not good to talk about it.  For years I’ve tried my best to play the “Good Daughter Role” and that means to be silent and move forward and forget the past.  Don’t get me wrong, it is important to try to move forward, but I disagree with leave the past where it is, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to pin point our current behaviors of triggers.  To rid of the past is saying we don’t need to know history and in my personal opinion, I believe it is wrong to just throw away the past.  You shouldn’t let the past dictate who you are or allow it to consume you, but use it as a revelation to your life now.  The point I’m trying to say is, my past has many contributions to how I think, believe and react to the way my life is today.  I struggle with my culture’s values and expectations and my need to survive as a woman and it is no easy task.  Even though it’s an ongoing struggle does not make me any less than a survivor then I already am.

We already live in a society where people throw their parents in nursing homes cared for by strangers, children defying their parents, spouses killing each other and parents killing and selling their own children.  I’m grateful that I’m not going through any of that right now, even though my family and I maybe dysfunctional, but what family is normal?  We all have our way to cope whether it’s through extreme religion, drugs, going out all the time, alcohol or denial that we even have a problem in our own home.  I’ve had people try so hard to encourage me to speak out even if it’s against the people I love, my question to you is could you do it?  No, you couldn’t but it’s easier to ask of me.  We can read articles of other people’s lives in chaos, but would we ever share our intimate moments or personal trauma to the world? No, we wouldn’t so why judge me for not sharing?  I understand the concept that people want to hear someone’s story in order to make an awareness a reality, but I have a life too.  I have a family to protect and I don’t have to exploit my family or myself in the expense of someone’s agenda to get a point across.  We live in a double standard rule, we talk about child exploitation, yet on the other hand we need children to do PSA’s, commercials and movies to get a point across for our message.  How can we send a message to millions without recycling lives to exploit?  Ponder on that for awhile.  There are some survivors that will share a message of hope, resilience and recovery without sharing their story, but they’re not always on the front cover those I respect.  Then you have the others who are stuck in a syndrome of “Poster Child” wanting that media attention, the need to feel important, but have forgotten about the rest of the world.  I see young girls watching music videos, so desperately wanting any attention whether good or bad, as long as they are in the spotlight, that what I see in some survivors in the spotlight.  They strip away their essence just to be in the spotlight, but the truth is they are still trapped in the revolving door of exploitation and enslavement.  I see this happen many times with fellow survivors and victims, most of them are so deep into the media they don’t realize they’ve victimized themselves to that scrutiny.  I refuse to be the poster child, I’m very cautious of who and what I share and I enjoy my privacy, I don’t need a millionaire to recognize me in order for me to share my story.

I don’t ever want to lose who I am and what my purpose is, it’s what makes me who I am.  I saw the trailer for the upcoming film, “The Beaver” and it reminded me of me.  When we look at celebrities we are very quick to judge their flaws and outburst, the ability to be imperfect and make their own mistakes and feel like human and it isn’t fair.  If every one of us were a celebrity and our lives were constantly on the front page news about our every flaw we couldn’t cope or we’d find alternative negative ways to deal with the problem.  Regardless of the tabloids, I will continue to watch a movie played by Mel Gibson.  I think he’s an outstanding actor and I do admire him for that.  I have no room in my book to judge him for his flaws, he’s just human and I hope he’s able to find peace somewhere in his life.  Well this is all I have to say for my blog.  Thank you for reading.