Blinded Infidelity

 

It’s after 11 p.m. central time and I just got home from seeing a film that triggered a lot of thought, pain and reminder of just how blessed I am. I went to go see Tyler Perry’s new film, “Temptation” and one of my dear friends suggested that I go check it out. After watching it tonight, I don’t want to spoil the plot so I won’t share what the story unfolded, but I will share my thoughts when viewing it. I have to say I am impressed of how the plot turned out and it wasn’t “expected” at all. If you haven’t seen the trailer of this film be sure to check it out, it gives you a glimpse of what makes “cheating” so attractive, alluring and even sexy; but from a personal stand point, it is anything but all of the above. Infidelity with a stranger is like taking a hit of drug for the first time or having your first buzz from a drink, it makes you feel things you haven’t felt before, it makes you view things in life you will believe to be true, but overall it’s nothing but an illusion. I’m going to share something so intimate that I’ve never shared before and this portion of my blog is NOT in my upcoming memoir . . . (maybe I should insert this???) Any who, I have had a history of infidelity in my life, I have cheated, been cheated on and I’ve even engaged with married man or men who’ve been attached to someone else. Whether I knew about them being attached or not is not the point, the point is I thought it was exciting, I thought it took me on another level and most of all I did it out of spite, rebelliousness and to feel something that I never felt before, but in the end somebody ALWAYS gets hurt no matter how careful you think you are, no matter how you justify it, deception is definitely waiting to jump in.

I’ve heard other films about ‘infidelity’, I’ve heard music that makes it sound so sexy, but when I think of my past relationships and how it made me feel in the end, that is the one thing that always leaves me feeling empty. We honestly take life for granted, the people in it, the relationship that we’re in. We tend to unintentionally believe our relationship is so bad that we justify ‘cheating’, but the truth is, if it’s UNHEALTHY, then LEAVE! If you are in an unhealthy relationship and you have financial issues that you can’t, then DON’T DATE while you’re in that transition! That is my personal advice, do what you have to do to get to a safe journey, heal from those wounds and then when you are legitimately SINGLE, then date. It’s not worth the risk, heartache or even fair to the other person to put them in the middle. If you’re saddling on the fence with your relationship then both person DEFINITELY does not deserve you. Infidelity, is NEVER justifiable, never! I want to share my personal journey of an infidelity relationship that I had in the past that put not just me in pain but a person that could’ve been my best friend and because of my actions, choices and situation that friendship will never come to fruition. I’m not here to post to hear your judgement, I’m just here to share so if you want to judge me, your comments won’t be visible, just an fyi.

Back in early 2000, I met a guy that I met at a bar, I thought he was cute, but he wasn’t that into me, but his best friend was. The best friend was married and he made me laugh and we clicked instantly, before you know it we continued to correspond with each other on a daily basis. I was very aware that he was a married man and why I didn’t care, I felt that as long as I didn’t see her, know her that it would never affect me, but God had different plans. About a month later I met a woman (who happen to be the spouse, which I was not aware) and she and I clicked. We hung out and talked and the moment she invited me to her home to meet her family, there he was. This was a situation I never imagined I would ever be in. Every time she turned her back, he would give me this look of longing, I was still seduced by his charm, but I also developed another feeling that I never felt before, ‘guilt’. I had no idea what to do and the more I could see she cared for me, she even had her little girls run to me to give me hugs. I hated myself at that moment, I had a journal and I had wrote about our secret affair in my journal, she found it and when she read it, she cried. I was ready for her to hit me, slap me or something, but she just cried and told me to leave. After that I didn’t see him anymore, but it was the one that I couldn’t shake off and to this day, I haven’t been able to let it go. Was the hiding and secrecy and the sex worth seeing her tears? Was it worth breaking a family apart? I will never forget the faces of the girls and I know when they get older I’m probably going to be known as ‘the other woman’. They never divorced, but I know I was the reason for the mistrust to happen and it didn’t have to, if I’d only walked away.

I’m sharing this with you because, we go through our own relationship feeling like our partner isn’t charming us like the day we met them or that we feel like we are being taken for granted, even if our partners are ‘comfortable’ with us, then I urge you to do this: 1.) Ask yourself this question, “Are they worth the fight?” Do you feel you need to work on your relationship? 2.) If your answer is yes, then bring back pictures, home videos, etc to bring back what made you two a couple. 3.) To do this you need to take your partner/spouse away from any distraction and have them focus on you. 4.) TALK to them, communication is the biggest problem in any relationship, if there’s none then there’s also no trust, love or respect for one another. If you’ve tried both and you feel your relationship is still in limbo, try marriage counseling or try something new. 5.) Now, if your answer was “No”, then why are you staying? If you need time to make the transition, then do what you need to do but it is important not to date anyone while you’re going through this transition. 6.) There is NO good reason to stay if you’re not happy, whether it’s for kids’ or financial reason, either way you’re just living a lie and even with that is NOT healthy either. I’m no therapist and I’m sure I have my flaws, but the one of my biggest pet peeve I hear when people tell me why they need to stay in a bad relationship is for the kids, that is the biggest bullshit lie I’ve ever heard. Let me tell you something, your children ARE NOT stupid! So, quit treating them like one. They know when their mommy and daddy aren’t close anymore and sleeping in the same room doesn’t disguise it either. Any way, I’ve shared my thoughts and suggestion, you can take it for what it’s worth. Thank you for letting me share.

Always,

Me

Holiday Blues . . .

Now that Thanksgiving is somewhat over and Christmas is coming up next, I’ve been feeling a bit depressed lately.  This past year have been a blessing and has also made me face some challenges of what’s to come.  I’ve learned who my real friends are and the ones who remain to stay by my side and I am forever grateful in that regards.  Being a “public figure” isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, there are MANY challenging moments and when you start to stand up for what you believe in or you stand firm in fighting injustice you also receive “haters” or people who will cause doubt in your cause or what you fight for.  I’ve lost friends due to the doubt that settled in their minds and that is fine by me,  it’s better to know now then later, I am also aware of the “fakes” those who love to smile among your presence but are quick to bad mouth you the moment you turn your back.

I never signed up for this type of drama and before I became a “public figure” my life was very mundane, private and simple.  You see I realized that God didn’t create me to be mundane, he created me to rock the boat, to start a conversation that makes people start a summit.  “Does trafficking really happens?  Is there such thing as ‘political’ corruption in the US?  Can ‘American’ born or naturalized citizen be victims of a heinous operation?”  YES!  Even in the history books displays YEARS of corruption, slavery and deceit, just because it was years ago does not mean it’s washed away.  That would be a very naive approach to think, Mobs have gotten smarter, what Al Capone did that made the mobs today realize is to include paying their share of taxes.  I’m not saying IRS is involved, but what I am saying is at least you won’t get charged for not giving your share to them.  Look at our recent elections or the times surrounding it the hate and backlash thrown at each person on either side is this what America truly stands for?

I always hear that the extremist are the loudest, well I’m about to get just as much LOUDER, too!  I’m a middle class woman that pays her debt, I work hard to make ends meet and to provide for my family.  I am also considered disabled, but in order for me to continue to live I have to reside with someone because the government won’t allow me to rise from poverty.  I make little to no pay when I speak given in the “fiscal” year, I make less than $10k per year on speaking, because I have no Ph.D or a book out, but people want me to speak and I keep hearing, “I’m sorry we are on a limited budget”, this does not include ‘Grassroots, small college groups or small churches.’  If I do get compesnated it would normally be $250-500 rate which is considered very low cost, but let me give you a run down of what I literally go through.  I only receive less than $500 a month, my mortgage is about $700-750 a month, this does not include: insurance, groceries, utilities, gas, clothing for my child.  I don’t even include credit cards, but there goes my check for the mortgage just to make sure me and my family have a roof over our head, I get about 3-5 gigs in a month, on a good month I can make close to $3000 that is ONLY if I get paid accordingly, but my average month looks more like this: “250-1000″ or most months I don’t get paid at all.

For those who are unaware, I’m going to not only speak on behalf of myself but for other survivors who are also speakers; most of us cannot afford to work in a 9-5 or any shift jobs, because we have felony charges that was there YEARS ago, even after we paid our debt to society it is forever in our records, some of us have had recent charges from a crime we committed years ago due to the combing factor of being exploited or subjugated in trafficking scenarios.  When we have “felony” charges on our records, it is hard for many of us to find a steady job or any employment that would allow a survivor of exploitation/trafficking to be apart of, even though that is not who we are today.  So, you see speaking is our BREAD and WATER, if I can AFFORD to speak for free, trust me I wouldn’t mind educating and empowering others, but I can’t do that if I’m homeless and in poverty, would you want a homeless survivor to come and speak at your event or forum?  As for my spouse, he’s unable to work due to his injury from Iraq and that’s another soap box I could get into, but I won’t.  The military is frustrating me at the moment, but any who . . . I try my best to be generous and not ask for too much, but in the long run it is financially hurting me and my family, but at least you know.

Ok, now that I’ve done my soap box on my speaking, the one last thing that has got me feeling lost and misplaced is my father.  I’ve learned that “Koreans” tend to be very private when it comes to family matters, but if I have no one to turn to, I’m going to end up feeling very depressed.  My father’s been diagnosed with cancer (still unsure of the terminology), but I believe it to be his stomach, this is his 2nd diagnose and his first was back in 2005, I wrote a poem and even though he can’t read I’ve wanted to share it with him regardless.  With everything that is going on in my life, all those challenges appear to be small and minute compared to the possibility of losing my father.  Whether it’s the will of God or if it happens it happens, doesn’t ease my pain of the thought of losing him.  We’ve had many ups and downs and as his daughter I want to know if I ever made him proud?  I would often dream of taking him to CA with me, sit on the beach and laugh and instead of him smoking cigarettes we’d munch on brownies, I don’t care if you disagree but for once I want to see him truly laugh and enjoy himself that is my wish.    I can’t take away his pain and I can’t fight the disease for him, but I can and will try my best to make his days here as pleasant as possible.

Seeing my dad this past few days and watching him in pain truly killed me inside, it made me fall into the “I should’ve” thoughts that I know won’t change.  I feel frustrated that I have a cold, I would’ve spent my weekend with him. My father is at the stage in his life where even a slight cold from anyone else can cause further harm to his health so I have to be healthy to be around him, just so everyone is aware.  If anything, Lord I ask you keep me strong especially in this moment and forward.  I thank you for listening to me.  Thank you to all the readers, I love you and your ongoing support!

Always,

Me

Misplaced

I don’t know where to begin, but I’ll explain it the best I can.  Since approximately in the late summer of 2011 to the early fall, I’ve had to change contact lenses and I started to have this blinking issue, at that time it wasn’t bad, but it was pretty annoying, then in December I had the opportunity to fly out to SE Asia with Red Earth Films to do a documentary with them about Human Trafficking in SE Asia (not my personal story).  When I returned to the US, my blinking became worse to where my eyes would tightly shut and I’d make this sour face look, I kept telling my eye doctor something was wrong, he kept telling me it was nothing but dry eyes, he kept giving me drops, steroid drops and lubricant jelly thing to put in my eye, NOTHING worked.  I started to do a web search about constant blinking and found something called; “Blepharospam” and did my research and found out that it was a neurological problem not a blinking or dry eye problem, so then I started to search for a neurologist.  The premiere for Eden was coming up in March and the time that I was going to appear for the premiere was from the 10th thru the 14th, my neurology appointment didn’t start til the 16th.

After the premiere, I found pictures of me with that sour face, I felt so embarrassed and frustrated at the same time, poor Jamie she kept asking me if I was okay and wasn’t sure how to explain to everyone else what was wrong.  By the time the 16th came along, I met my doctor and he knew exactly what was wrong with me, before I could say the diagnose he said, “Blepharospasm”.  I requested surgery and he said there was no need and that I needed to try botox and that most of the time it worked for people who had this problem.  On the 22nd of March, I had my botox, but before I did he also prescribed me Adavant a generic of Valium, yes and anti-depressant for my blinking.  I took the regular dosage and it seemed to slow down the blinking before the botox procedure.  I then became excited about the botox hoping it will work and I would only have to be poked once every 3 to 6 months, I had my first botox procedure done on the 22nd of March and the doctor said it would take about a week or two before the blinking would go away.

Three weeks came by and my blinking did not stop, I had to keep taking the Adavant and the regular dosage didn’t work, so I took more then I was suppose to and the more I took the meds the blinking stopped, the problem was I was so desperate for the blinking to completely stop since the botox didn’t work AT ALL, that I didn’t realize I was overdosing up to 7 to 8 pills meaning 1 mg per pill.  At that moment I was losing my appetite and was not eating for four straight days, I was becoming more emotional then I normally was and I was having lapse of amnesia and becoming very moody and irritable, I didn’t realize my behavior until I forced myself off the medication.  I’ve been off of it for almost 4 days and my blinking came back, frustrating as it is, I just couldn’t take those medication.  I have so much going on and yet I feel so confused, frustrated and misplaced with everything.

I had not realized I asked 4 people if I could stay with them while I visit LA and all 4 of them replied yes, the problem is I already promised one of them a long time ago and I want to keep that promise, did the medication have to do with me sending out these emails?  I don’t even remember and I feel so lost.  Right now it’s 1:47 a.m. and I can’t sleep, I have my MRI in the morning at 10 a.m. and then I see the neurologist at 4 p.m., so I’m hoping for an alternative solution, I did express to the nurse about surgery and she agreed since the botox didn’t work at all for me, the scary part about this surgery then all the other ones I’ve had, this will be a brain surgery and I’m scared.  Lately, I’ve been having death dreams and I don’t know why.  I worry about my father and my son, they are very important to me along with the rest of my family, I’d rather not go into details, but I just have my reasons.

This coming Saturday, I’ll be flying out to Los Angeles, CA and on the 2nd of May, I’ll be flying out to San Jose from LA then back to LA on the 3rd for a speaking gig, I know my schedule sounds really crazy right now.  When I return home in TX on the 4th, I’ll have a few days to rest then on the 7-9th, I’ll be driving out to Altus, OK AFB to speak and then back to TX again and last I’ll be flying out to Cannes, France for the film festival.  For the first time, I’ll be bringing my baby sister, Monica.  I am very excited and nervous of what she’ll think of the film, “Eden”.  I hope she likes it, but she is excited about going to France so we’ll be sharing a room in France from the 16th thru the 20th.  I’ll be able to raise awareness on Human Trafficking in France and I pray that it goes well and I hope I don’t have a repeated episode of my blinking when I go to France.

I haven’t really been on facebook as much as I use to and just occupy my time by playing games and preparing for my trips and speaking gigs.  I hope that I can rest soon and just be at ease, I don’t know if my anxiety has anything to do with the withdraws of the Adavant, ugh can’t spell.  Well, for those of you that didn’t know my condition, well now you know and if you could send a prayer that would be awesome.  For the rest of you that I’ve somehow manage to piss off, please forgive me I had no idea the state of condition I was in and I sincerely apologize, I was not myself.  Well, I’m going to close and I’ll give you updates on my “Blepharospasm” and my MRI as well.  Thank you for following my blog, you are all my faithful readers!!!

Love,

Me!

Red Light District

Red Light District . . .

You hear the name and you immediately assume,

Candy store just for your sexual appetite,

But if I told you the truth behind the music,

Neon lights and the dancers performing,

Would it still be just a candy store?

You feel the vibration of the base as you walk down the alley,

The cool breeze gives your skin the bumps,

The chill overwhelms you, yet you ignore it.

The base of the music gets louder,

Muffled behind the steel door waiting for you to grab the handle

And you walk in . . .

Neon lights flashing,

Did you know the vision you see is distorted by reality?

You walk in, all eyes on you.

You take center stage,

You perform, but what?

The eye liner that contours your lids,

Brings out the seduction, so they say . .

Play the part they want to see,

Your hips begin to move to the rhythm of the beat,

You feel the base vibrate your chest,

You’re intoxicated, you can’t feel anymore.

You sit among the cannibals, watching yourself

You look deep into your own eyes,

You stare at the ground, avoid the eye contact of your predators

As they stare perusing your body with their hungry eyes.

You are nothing but meat,

They stare, examine, decide and then they pick.

Comparison to a grocery store in the market,

When we look for that lean meat,

Less fat, more protein and the thickness.

Not too big, but enough to devour our taste buds.

Music fades as I swing around the pole,

The watchful eye is constantly staring,

Too much demands I can’t keep up.

I spin around uncontrollably,

I fall on the ground,

My palms touch the mirror,

My mascara streaming down my face,

My skin so pale, I’m like a ghost . . .

Behind me the monster that clinches my body

Through his claws,

Blood is dripping from my nose,

Too much cocaine I just can’t stop.

I stare at my hands, covered in black and blue.

Gripping onto the floor, trying to hold myself up,

As he’s cannibalizing my body.

I close my eyes, tears fall among the drips of my eyeliner,

I pray for death,

No redemption for me.

No one perceives me as a prisoner,

I am just a clown performing for predators.

Over and over I am raped,

Silent victim, because I have no voice.

How did I get here?

Yeah, I chose this life because I have nothing better to do

Then to choose misery . . .

To be persecuted by family, society and even to dealers,

Is to be sold without limits.

Without education, without stability and without love.

Did God forget about us?

Where do we belong?

Yes, right here in Red Light District.

Did you get to visit the dumpster?

You didn’t think they have one?

As I take you down the dark alley,

I open up the steal rusted corridors and as the doors swing open

Bodies piled up, Used up

And now thrown away.

After years of infecting our bodies

To fulfill the mouths of predators,

There was no cure . . .

My body cast out, piled on top of lifeless women and children

Who’s lives cost nothing, but millions to those who own us just to satisfy

The hunger of the Beast.

Think it’s harmless?

When do you want to sign up?

 

By:  Chong N. Kim, 1-2-12

There’s no such thing as “Goodbye” . . .

Until I see you again, there is no such thing as “Goodbye”.

I got up this morning around 7:45 a.m. and just laid in my bed staring at that still ceiling fan this morning and realized I’m going home. I remember my intentions to write a daily blog before I came on this trip, but as the days went by, I would find myself so distracted and busy that I didn’t have time and the time I did have, I felt my blog could wait. I wanted to enjoy every moment that I had in Cambodia and in Thailand. I would sit outside of my hotel room on the patio, or the open space lobby or at a coffee shop with friends and just enjoy the tasteful smoothie, while I soak up the image of nature’s beauty of this magnificent country and just let it take my breath away. I felt my readers would understand that I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to put time and my visit on hold to stare at my ipad for an hour or even half an hour.
I’m a huge believer that time is of the essence, no second should be wasted on frivilous things and to enjoy life at the most. Even though I got to visit the slum areas and see the poverty staring straight back at me, but I also saw peace, tranquility and acceptance, to me that was beautiful. The people in these country live through faulty plumbing, you can smell the sewage, you see the trash piled up as the wind pushes scraps away from the rest of them, the town seems hopeless as you would assume, but what it did teach me was we as “Americans” have this “My way” of thinking of what hopeless means. We feel the need to diagnose and label everything, this is what these peopple live through everyday, yes it’s a struggle, but every time I see their eyes, their smile and it’s not the fake kind. I first came here seeing pity, I left their country thanking them for teaching me and reminding me that resilience isn’t about living in an uptown world, having a house that looks like everybody else and driving around fancy cars, but that it’s about enjoying life, living life and you do what you can and if that completes you then no one should judge you.
We as Americans have the need to fix things, we bombard someone’s country to tell them how to believe, what to believe and to them that what they believe is wrong, that I do NOT agree with, I want to come back not to fix, but to be apart of their community, to work alongside them and if they want their town clean, I’ll help if not, I’ll sit with them and watch the trash fly down the empty streets, this is their town not mine, who am I to tell them how to live? The only thing I can offer them is my friendship.
Right now I’m on the plane back to LAX (Los Angeles, CA) then off to my connecting flight to DFW (Dallas/Ft. Worth). I don’t feel excited about going home, if I had the money I’d stay longer. I’d love to live in Thailand and help Destiny Rescue or help the Lighthouse Orphanage, I felt my purpose in those country then I ever did here in the states. I don’t want to speak, I don’t care to repeat my story over and over, I want to rescue, I want to be alongside my brothers and sisters that are oppressed and remind them of hope. I literally would give up my home, car, status; EVERYTHING just to live in SE Asia and just be apart of their world. Just saying . . . We may have a flawed system, but no country is perfect. Even in the slums of America, we still have aluminum floors or carpet, not dirt or concrete. We may chose to sleep on the floor, but we have charity, welfare and churches literally handed to us if we are in need, it is our choice to find it; here there is NO charity of any kind. If sewer pipes were overflowing a town, someone or some company would get sued or there would be a protective fence to keep children out, here it just flows into the city and small children and animals drink it. We live in a digital world, we know more about celebrity gossips and reality tv shows then we do in other countries, children here are learning to sew, make necklaces, handbags, blankets and clothing, they have very little understanding of celebrity lives. Even if we aren’t given what we “feel” we deserve, if not now, but later someone will feel sorry for us and have us tattle our sorrows on the media to find someone to give us what we weren’t compensated for, but these people . . . who will listen to their sob stories? If we don’t stop what we are doing, I truly believe we will LOSE everything. I would love to move out here in Cambodia and soak up more of their love, appreciation and of course their genuine smile. Thank you Cambodia/Thailand for reminding me that I am not the lucky one, you are. Well, this is all I have to say, so I’m going to close for now, but I thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts.

Underworld of Bangkok

My visit to the Underworld of Bangkok

Right now it is 5:15 p.m. and we just got done doing some interviews with Tony and me near the Chiang Rai beach. I have some time to kill so I thought I’d update on my blog. In the past few days I’ve been so busy and tired that I haven’t had a chance to catch up, I didn’t realize keeping up with a blog would be so hard. To bring you up to date, when I last wrote I was in Sihanoukeville, Cambodia; we only stayed there two nights, the third day we checked out and rode the bus back to Phnom Penh and had Sokha take us to the airport in Cambodia, while we were there I got to meet David and Linney Chacko before we flew out to Bangkok, Thailand. The guys were able to capture some interview takes with Linney and get her expert opinion on trafficked children in Cambodia. When we got to Bangkok, we took a cab to Khaosan Rd to the D&D Inn in the main hub of Bangkok. It was very crowded and busy, we met up with Tony & Damien who are the rescurers of Destiny Rescue. The original plan was for us to visit PatPong which is a whole different scenario then Khaosan, both are in Bangkok for those of you who’ve never been to Bangkok. My first night at PatPong was like walking down a porn strip, you would see these men out in the street pulling perverted tourists in, letting them know the latest and so called “greatest” sex acts that would be far beyond your imagination. The first time I heard about the “Ping Pong Show”, I literally thought it was a ping pong game show, but boy was I wrong! I thought through my personal experience in the sex industry that nothing could surprise me, but Bangkok proved me otherwise.
It’s one thing to see filth through poverty or economical stress that I can handle, but the filth I’m talking about is the line of pervs waiting to take it’s plunge into the sex world of cannibalizing minors to satisfy their shallow existence, ugh it makes me sick to my stomach and what’s worse is that these men are MARRIED with children and some of these men have daughters of their own, ugh what is wrong with some people!!! Pat Pong is a world of the underground of sex trade, however these pervs want it, these line of businesses will deliver; a woman, a young vulnerable teenager or a small child, I just can’t fathom why nor do I need to, it is just WRONG! As the guys and I kept strolling through the streets of Pat Pong, one of the guys said, “You gotta check out this bar . . .” and then everything else faded as I saw a lady standing near the door along with two young gentlemen, behind them were strip dancers, I assumed they were females so I walked in just doing what I do best, blending in. I noticed these particular “ladies” were VERY happy to see me and I don’t mean happy as in oh a customer, but as in “hey girl let’s party sometime.” Trust me on this when I say this, there is a difference. I sat there among the “ladies” sharing a drink and just talking to them. The one on my left had a very different tone when she was talking to me, then I thought . . . “Wait a minute, are they dudes???” So, I looked at their throat to look for the adam’s apple, let me tell you most of them did NOT have any so it was really hard to tell, until I realized another sign. If they were truly women and what they didn’t realize about me is that I’ve been a stripper before and I don’t remember me and my girls pulling out our breast to make sure they were real or not, but then again you never know with these type of places. When one of the guys came back and asked me how I was doing, they were trying to give me a hint to see if I noticed. The last thing I wanted to do was panic and I didn’t want to set these “types” of ladies off so I just sat there smiled and act natural, not that they bothered me, which they didn’t, but I was taken by surprise how WELL the surgery was done on these guys, especially to eliminate any obvious signs that they were previous men. What really confirmed it was when one of the ladies asked me if I go to gay clubs that often, yeah I do, but I’ve never seen so many . . . . please know that I’m trying to remember the proper terminology, for I do not want to offend anyone and I do mean that in all sincerity, plus I should’ve noticed the number of “Justin Bieber’s songs” continuously playing over and over.
After I left, of course the guys thought that was hilarious, ha ha ha and they asked me how could I NOT know? The surgery was really good! I don’t go to strip clubs anymore, not that it’s not my thing, but I just have no desire other than to rescue minors or women who are forced in the industry. Then we went into this other strip club and this is where the minors are at. I would sit and watch the girls one by one, I could tell which one was barely making it, meaning she’d dance, but that’s all she’d ever do. She would avoid eye contact especially by customers watching her so she wouldn’t be picked, she would stand in the same place for every song and move as little as possible, move her body just enough so the Mama San wouldn’t get on to her, but not get into it. To me they remind me of the “Newbies” in the industry.
They haven’t been broken down just yet and they don’t necessarily have to be beaten or tortured to be broken down either, just an FYI. Then I noticed this one particular girl that was really hyper, dancing and extremely friendly and affectionate, as me and the guys sat there watching the girls I explained to them that even the ones that appear to “enjoy” their situation doesn’t mean they were the less beaten, many times it is the opposite. This particular girl reminded me of the Jules I became. Playing the part, curtains up the light shines brightly at you that you blind yourself so you aren’t staring back at reality. The music of the base vibrates your chest as if you’re having heart palpitations, you play your best performance, wowing the audience, hoping that sick predator notices you. Just like a snake you watch in return, setting out your trap, make him think that you are all into him, but what he doesn’t know as that you’ve turned the tables around. He has now become “my” prey. You say these things to yourself so you don’t lose control, you don’t feel like you’ve failed. You’ve tried to rationalize everything in your head, but this is the only “lie” you begin to believe, it’s the only one you feel the most control.
It wasn’t hard being there, but it definitely brought back some memories, I felt torn inside knowing that after I leave and 2 a.m. comes around the unknown of torture is just waiting on the other side and there’s NOTHING I can do at that moment and that is the hardest part to deal with. I personally know what goes on behind the closed doors, the facade of fake smiles and the popping music that makes everyone feel like a partier. The lights, music, atmosphere and drinks entertwine with deceit, deception and agony of lies that “we” enjoy it the torture. It’s times like this that makes me wonder why people ask the STUPIDEST questions, “Do they enjoy it?”
I’ve known strip clubs that don’t allow alcohol, but let me tell you this about 90% of girls will drink or get high before they come in, during their break they’ll sneak off the premises and spike their drink or smoke a blunt; either that they’ve given themselves a strong rationale that doesn’t require intoxicating our bodies; feeding my family, children, paying rent, economical survival. “Why not get a job?”
Hmmm, let me give you glimpse into OUR world.

1.) Single mom with one or more children in need of diapers, formula or other necessity at 2 a.m., what programs do you know will provide these things at such hour? Most charities and churches aren’t available in the middle of the night or on the weekends, unless you give up your home or everything you own to live in a shelter, which there is no NEED for that either! Crisis don’t happen at 8-4 M-F people!

2.) A mother who’s been previously charged with drugs/prostitution has a felony, who’s going to hire her? How many felony friendly businesses can you find that can pay her enough to feed her children/family?

3.) Before Prostitution was considered “Trafficking”, women/girls were required to be registered as sex offenders, today housing won’t allow sex offenders to apply for public housing or subsidized rent; also if felons w/o crime-victim related charges are having difficulty in finding employment, do you think sex offenders can? Do you know any attorneys that will be happy to expunge their records without pay? I don’t.

4.) This is particularly in SE Asia, but to work in fast food franchise or even a gas station requires a college degree, so if any of you people want to keep complaining about why these women should find jobs think again.

There are so many other factors that play into the whole entrapment of sex slavery, but before we start asking stupid questions, why don’t you get to know us first before assuming we live in the “land of the free.” Being here in both Cambodia and Thailand have truly made me appreciate the life I have and the strength that God has given me, I am truly blessed, most of these girls lose more then just the custody of their babies, but also their life. I’m going to stop here and let you ponder on this blog. Thank you for letting me share.

Day Three in Cambodia (Sihanoukville)

Day three . . .

Right now it’s 5:20 p.m. on the 8th of December and I’m sitting in the so-called lobby of the resort that I’m currently staying. The reason why I call it a so-called lobby, for those who’ve never traveled, it’s actually a patio you see the full beach view from your table. I woke up this morning around 7:30 a.m. and ugh, I felt hot and muggy. Jumped in the shower and decided to put my hair up instead of a ponytale. I sat out in the lobby around about 8:15 a.m. and ordered my breakfast and just waited on Jason and Mike to join me. Today, me and Jason discussed what all we are planning to do for the documentary and how I can be interviewed for my “expert” opinion without sharing my story. By the time noon came around we decided to break for lunch, as I strolled down the shore, there were mini shops along the shore that were attached with coffee shops/pubs, I decided to persue through the mini markets and saw this dress that caught my eye. The lady knew I had an interest and encouraged me to try it.
I knew it wouldn’t fit me so I shook my head no, she kept insisting and told me it stretched, I thought why not? So, I asked where the fitting room was, how ignorant of me to even think they might have one with a small room they had with the limited displays, so she pointed to the corner of the room, then she nailed up a sheet to cover me, I could barely put the dress on, I either blew up in this heat in Cambodia or I was bigger then I imagined, (I’m going to go with the blowing up in the heat). With my limited mobility in my right arm, I had a difficult time taking off the dress, so instead I began to spin around, having the sheet wrap around me as well. I got twisted into the sheet and accidentally tore the sheet down as I fell on the ground. I was seriously worried this woman might sue me for damage, but instead she laughed. Maybe that was a good thing??? I kept apologizing for the ripped sheet and she kept apologizing back to me, I wasn’t sure why she was apologizing for, but we both realized the dress was NOT for me. Once I was able to get the dress off I saw a litter of puppies all scattered and OMG, they were sooooo cute!!! I picked one up and asked the owner if I could take it with me to the other coffee shops and hold it for a bit and she smiled and said ok. I brought the puppy to Mike and Jason and Jason’s first question was, “You bought the puppy?” with the expression of, “Oh my what did she do now???”
My response was, “Yeah so Customs can question why I smuggled a puppy when the purpose of my trip was to prevent trafficking/smuggling.” When I said that Mike laughed and took some photos of me holding the puppy, but I do have to admit the puppy was sooo cute I wanted to keep it. By the time we got done with lunch the rain started we ran into one of their rooms to do the interview for the film. We were able to cover 2-3 interview scenes and after that the rain started pouring so the guys called it a night, so the rest of my evening I can relax, not that I haven’t. I have to say my experience so far as been very humbling and I’m very excited for what’s coming next. Well, I’m going to jump off for now and I’ll chat with you later!

Always,
Me

Day One & Two (Phnom Penh, Cambodia)

Day One and Two

(Day one)
Since my time here in Phnom Penh, I’ve truly absorbed the hidden beauty of this mysterious place. People are really nice even through the rough economy, it almost makes me feel selfish what we take for granted everyday. My first day, I pretty much did some relaxing most of the time. I arrived at my hotel around 10 a.m. and Mike and Jason didn’t arrive until around 6-7 p.m. I hung out around the hotel most of the time, I didn’t want to take the risk of getting lost, knowing me. By the time the guys arrived, I got in touch with Sary via phone a friend of Eric’s, who invited us to come out for dinner, but the guys were too exhausted that they wanted to stay put. We had dinner together and just talked and got better acquainted. We all turned in around 10:30 p.m., I think this time zone worked really well for me, I fell asleep the moment I hit the pillow. I woke up around 4 a.m., I was actually freezing and could not figure out how to turn down the air so I just stayed up instead and just chatted with some friends online until 7-7:30 a.m.

(Day two)
Mike, Jason and I had arranged Sokho to return to take us to the orphanage for a little visit this morning, when we got there I fell in love with the children. I got to visit with one of the kids, the person that showed me around told me that Eric is known as: “Super man” to these kids. I think it’s very sweet that someone cares for these children, they are abandoned, outcast and abused. The children could speak English very well and I was really impressed and they were very welcoming when I came. Mike took some footage of me interacting with the kids. I was sad that my visit to this orphanage was short, we had to head back to PP and then to the beach in Cambodia. We all rode on the bus and next thing I knew about an hour and a half of the drive, the bus broke down, although nobody was disappointed it gave everyone a chance to step out and stretch their legs for a bit. My eyes are acting up again, ugh it’s sooo frustrating especially in a time like this.

Our 3.5 hours drive turned into another 2.5 added to it, we ended up in Sihanouk Ville, which is south of Cambodia and it’s the coast line of the country. We checked in around 6:30 to 7 p.m. had dinner then afterwards just walked up and down the shore enjoying the night view of the beautiful beach. One of the things I thought was really sad was there were physically disabled people strolling by and when I said “strolling” I literally meant it. This one guy didn’t have legs and he scooted his body up and down the shore and begged for money. I was heartbroke, because I know all too well about begging and I felt very torn apart because I couldn’t help them and I wanted too, along with attracting other beggers as well.

Jason, Mike and I just walked and talked and had drinks, yeah . . . I think I had too much to drink; I ordered too much coke lol. Ha ha thought I had ya there! Anywho, the lifestyle of prostitution was definitely visible on the shoreline along with the string of pubs, bars and coffee shops all in one. I saw vulnerable young women walking along the shoreline waiting for the next predator to take notice and to victimize her as she rationalizes the reason for her own enslavement. The wi fi here has not been very strong or reliable so it’s been difficult in trying to stay in touch with anyone back home. By the time we all decided to call it a night it was close to 1:20 a.m. The room I am in, you can tell you are near a beach, the furniture are made out of wicker or bamboo parts, the room is really humid and my air condition is not working, ugh I just hope I can sleep tonight. Well, I’m going to close and get me some shut-eye. Goodnight . . .

My Flight Experience to Cambodia

My Flight Experience to Cambodia

Yesterday, I left around 4:45 p.m. to the DFW Airport and checked in with AA at the desk, I was actually shocked that the ticket attendant was nice, normally I get neutral service meaning they aren’t bubbly and smiling, they’re just doing their job. By the time I arrived at the gate and getting ready to board, I was happy I ended up in the window seat. I made a new friend name, Laura an older Chinese lady about the same age as my mom. She didn’t speak much English, but I felt very nurtured by her. She would open her bag during the flight from DFW to LAX and share some home made steamed dumplings with me. One thing I’ve learned about older Asian ladies you never say no when they offer to share food to you. The dumplings were very good, cold but good. We conversated the best we could but what I admired about her spirit, even though neither one of us could speak the same language it didn’t stop her to try to conversate with me so I give her many kudos for trying. She told me she now resides in Los Angeles in China town and tells me that when I visit LA, to give her a call and she has friends who owns restaurants in China town that I can eat for free.

I love the word “Free Food”!!! She and I talked for a little bit and I shared pictures of my family with her and of course I showed her the video of my niece Sophie, she thought Sophie was so adorable. Even with her broken English accent I could understand her very well, the dialect sounds very similar to my moms. When we were getting close to landing, she showed me her ticket, her destination would be to baggage claim and I would be escorted to my next plane. When a flight attendant walked by, she patted her on the arm and showed her the ticket and ask her a question, I thought the attendant was really rude. She kept raising her voice to the lady and said, “Where are you going?” Because the Chinese lady was coming from London, she wanted to know if she still needs to go through Customs or just pick up her luggage, even I understood what she wanted and I don’t speak Manderin.

I tried to explain it to the attendant and of course her ignorance got the best of her cause she started to talk to me as if I couldn’t speak English, there are times I wish I could do the training to these flight attendants. Urrr! By the time we got off, she was so lost that she followed me instead even though our destination weren’t even close and I couldn’t just abandon her so I paid the wheelchair attendant an extra $20 to allow her to follow us to the baggage claim and then take me to my destination, when the attendant saw the $20 she didn’t hesitate. I waited til she was able to get to the baggage claim and to make the phone call for someone to pick her up and then I was on my way to China Airlines!

By the time I got to China Airlines, I had to switch wheelchair attendant to take me through check point which I had no idea this was the protocal. I had to take off my shoes and this time TSA made me take my iPad 2 out of it’s case. I find it amazing that the US TSA policy is suppose to follow the same protocal but no matter where you go you get different directions and different rules, how is that even possible? Then all I had on was my pink EIU Breast Cancer hoodie and of course my bra underneath. One of the TSA worker asked me if I had any clothes underneath my hoodie I answered no, then his reply back was, “Are you sure?”

What??? Of course I’m sure! Who do you think dressed me this morning? Anywho, I repeated myself once again to assure to the TSA worker that I had nothing underneath but my bra. He stood there just staring at me, I saw a female TSA worker and told her that I’m not taking off my hoodie unless they want to see the color of my bra. Then she waved me on to move forward. One of the annoying things about flying though, is my disability. I have a steel shoulder socket and a ceramic hip joint and it never seems to fail that it alerts the scanner or the metal wand that some securities still have, so I end up getting the special treatment, THE PAT DOWN! Wooo Hooo!

By the time I got to my gate at LAX to board China Airlines, I knew it was close to 10 p.m. and I wondered if they would still offer food I was so hungry. On my itinerary it states that I would get a window seat, I was excited so that I could rest and I would have less complications due to my arthritis, but instead they gave me the aisle seat. I told the attendant if I could switch because of my arthritis, but to no avail did that happen. My shoulder ended up giving me so much pain, good thing I brought some pain killers. It subsided, but didn’t completely go away. On the plane I made another friend, she is Korean and is from Seoul, Korea. Her husband is also in the military, but for the Korean Military. She didn’t speak much English either, but my Korean wasn’t very good, but according to her she said I did well. We swapped numbers during our flight and I was able to have two meals during my flight. I did most of the translating for my new Korean friend, which helped her a lot. By the time we got to Taipei, I had to go through aother security check point, this time since it was in a different country I hoped there would be no complications since I was unaware of their policy. I realized they weren’t as strict as the US, which was nice! I got to keep my shoes on!

One of the things I did like about the airports is that it had free wi fi, so I was able to go online to get in touch with a few friends and family to let them know I was in Taiwan and heading out to Cambodia! Unfortunately, my iPad and iPhone are giving two different times for Phnom Phen, so I have no idea which time is correct, but we’re suppose to be landing around 10:30 to 11 a.m. in Cambodia. I just had a small brunch I’d say about an hour ago, so I’m assuming I’ve been on this flight for close to 2 hours. From here on out the destination will be on my own, so wish me good luck when I land and I will write some more . . . .

Later,
Me!

Imaginary Friend

For now I’ll call him Imaginary, because I only get to hear of him every 5 to 10 years if that often. He reassures me that we are close, but yet he keeps me at a distance. When we are reunited our demeanor displays of excitement and the eagerness of being close again, but I know the truth so I just smile and pretend it never ends. I wish he could see that he’s breaking my heart because I have no clue why he keeps me farther then arms length. He states he loaths dishonesty but if he hates me why not just say it? I’m filled with mixed emotions I’d rather hear the truth that he wants nothing to do with me then try to find me when no one else wants him. I love him very much, like a sibling, yes! Memories of our laughter of stupid shit we did, tears of anguish and pain now have all gone cause he left the country without me. We made a promise if neither of us would be bound by another we’d move to Europe and just live together with England’s fine wine and slap stick British comedy.

First time I went to England I had wished he was there by my side. I took photographs of wine and pastries hoping I’ll run into my imaginary friend, maybe my reality is coming true since I don’t hear from him anymore . . . It was just my imagination

Love,
Me!