Good morning readers and I want to thank you for following my blog. This morning’s blog is going to be extremely important and very insightful to you readers, whether you are law enforcement, social worker, school faculty or even a parent I created this specific blog for you. Before I begin I want to give you some insights to “Sex-Offender Registry”. Please be in mindful that not ALL people who are registered as a sex offender are pedophiles. Even an 18 year old boy who’s dated a 16 year old girl and the parents don’t agree with their affair will charge that boy as a “sex offender” that doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile, so when you assume you are protecting your kids from a sex offender by keeping your kids away from the registered one, that doesn’t me you are still protected. Here are some additional insights to those who are still at large and have yet to be caught you need to read this.
I’m writing this specific blog to inform parents that there are MANY pedophiles who have yet been caught and it usually takes about the 40th to 80th victim that they’ve touched or even before they are caught. Because of my personal experience with traffickers, pedophiles and pimps one thing they all have in common is the narcissism they believe in their minds that these children, women and other vulnerable victims NEED them. In the last three blogs we talk about family dynamics in how YOU can help your child become safe without strapping on the lock and key in your house. Today I’m going to teach you what signs to look for and these clues will at least give you hine sight on how to protect your child(ren), even if you have some doubt to my insights, I’d rather you to be safe then sorry.
As we go through the steps, be in mindful that these are only awareness signs and most typically, but not always will go in this order. Most perpetrator usually go in a certain pattern and this order that I’m using is what most perpetrators use, not all will follow this pattern in this order, but at least you will know how they groom and do not be discouraged when it comes to distrusting the world, it’s about protecting your child.
Step 1.) The Grooming
This is what “we” law enforcement, psychologist, social workers and advocates call “grooming”. When a perpetrator grooms the victim(s) this is what they do to gain your trust and when I show you these scenarios it can be anywhere, anytime and any place not just helping out with groceries, but also offer to watch your child, constantly coming to you to give you compliments even to your family members and let me just say this, women LOVE compliments so when a predator is a man he also knows this, so be cautious.
I see this happen alot and it always makes me wonder about the person. When I use to be a single mom and I’d live in a complex full of other single moms I would notice some guy offering to help carry groceries, now I’m not saying that is wrong, but be very cautious, this becomes a gateway for them to get to know you. If he’s a perpetrator he just needs to scan your house for only 5 secs to find a specific book, movie or even photos or designer pictures on your wall so he can continue on a conversation, it’s a way for him to get to know you. A man who is interested in helping and nothing else will respect your space and just help with groceries and leave it at that and won’t try to be “too friendly” and what I mean by ”too friendly”, if you don’t recognize the signs you won’t be aware, but perps have a way to compliment their way into your home, offer to put up your groceries for you or try to find a way to get inside. Now I don’t want any of you to panic when you have already experience this, if that is the case, then you get as much information from him as well. Find out where he lives, what does he do for work and if he can’t tell you his employer’s name that is a red flag, most perpetrators won’t reveal their information if they are young or new to the pedophile world, the experienced ones know what information to give and will have a line of people to back them up, if you plan to drive him home, do this with a buddy system ONLY! Do not drop him off if you are alone, especially being a woman. If your friends or guy friends tell you there’s something odd about him, listen even if you think the guy is alright, just listen. (Side note, there are really nice men out there that aren’t perps, but if you hold your guard up a real man will understand and not invade space and respect your boundaries.)
Another common mistake is that these predators will pretend to be disabled, they’ll have a cane, they’ll walk with a limp or say their back is hurting, they may not have a legitimate disability even if they are collecting disability, but they want to help you carry in groceries. (Here’s a hint: ) Someone who is truly disabled won’t offer to carry groceries, because they can’t. Remember Ted Bundy who was a serial rapist and killer used this analagy to entrap women so please please becareful.
Clergymen/women:
Now, I know this is a very touchy subject, but I’m going to talk about it. I can not tell you how many victims/survivors I’ve run into who’ve been a victim of clergymen or women. We seem to believe that if they are in a church they are immune to doing bad things, this is a very niave approach and can be the most dangerous as well. Just because he has a passion doesn’t mean he’s a nice guy, remember they are human and they WILL make mistakes, but as far as perpetrators be very leary when trusting them. If someone tells you they have a bad vibe about them, do not disregard their feeling or tell them maybe it’s them I don’t care how long you know this person, like I said JUST LISTEN, especially when it comes to your children. The one thing I always notice is that people say, “I’ve known this person and they would never hurt a fly, but when the news broke out about Jeffery Daumer, people in WI was shocked, Jeffery attended church, he was quiet and didn’t speak much and when he did he showed chivalry and kindness so the women believed he was such a “nice guy”.
Ok, this paragraph is pertaining to teens who are dating, most dating ages were 16 when I was a teenager, now I’ve finding out they are dating younger and younger, so the risk line becomes huge. When you are allowing your child to date and I don’t care how old or how mature you think your child is; the important part is when they meet that “someone” have them brag to you about that person, try to read between the lines. If the girl goes on and on about how this guy loves to hear about her and tells very little about himself, there’s a red flag. Most perps will want to know everything about the girl and not go on a equal conversation where the communication goes back and forth. Take notes about this particular person, find out his real name and not his online name like: sktrboy8, if they’ve been chatting for almost a month and she doesn’t know his real name and where he lives then that’s a red flag. When they are dating, it’s important to get to know the person your child is dating, not when it gets serious, it’s time to get to know your kids friends/dating partners and affiliations. Get to know the parents as well, even if things are just beginning, there’s nothing wrong in getting to know your child’s date and their family.
Step 2: The entryway
Now that he’s got the grooming step down and he’s already got you to trust him/her enough to let them in your home, be observant of their demeanor, watch how they want to spend so much time with your child and not with you. When a child’s been abused they won’t know the difference of a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship a child will open up. Do you remember in the good ‘ol days where a child will become silent when meeting an adult and we were told to be nice and let them hug, kiss or pinch our cheeks? Those children who had bad vibes actually had very good vibes but we didn’t know the signs. If your child says there’s something strange about that person, JUST LISTEN. A healthy child (when I say healthy I’m talking about children who were taught to be aware of their surroundings, to listen to their vibe, most of the time they won’t easily approach the stranger right off they will just stand and watch. If you have multiple children in the house and meeting this stranger who you assume is a helping hand or a friend, you may not be aware but the child that always gets in trouble for school, have been abused or feel the most vulnerable will quickly cling to the stranger, be cautious of that as well.
Being a busy parent you won’t notice much, but here are some insights, the predator will stay in the living room watching you most of the time because in order to get to your kids he/she needs your approval and in order to get that they need your TRUST. A predator is always more interested in engaging with your child then with you, that is a BIG RED FLAG! I don’t care if they are a coach, teacher, minister or a youth council; and when I mean they are engaging I’m talking about afterschool activities like taking them to the movies alone, taking them shopping, spending alot of one on one time with them, these are signs that aren’t healthy even if you think it is. It becomes a manipulation tactic for them to have the child side with them when it comes to detouring them away from their safety net (home). Arm yourself with knowledge; Barnes and Noble promotional codes might save some money on the many quality books about keeping children safe.
Step 3: The bond
Now that the perpetrator has gain your trust to spend time with your child, they are going to start spoiling them, buying everything and anything for them, but here’s the clue. They will tell the child that because the gift is too extravagent that their parents may not approve so they have the child to keep “secrets” for them. Parents I can not urge enough, but you need to talk to your child about “secrets” in the home. Here’s an example: Your trusted buddy offers to take your child (son/daughter) to the mall, you think that’s not a big deal, especially if you are a single mom that needs to work and you’re being called in and can’t find a sitter within minutes, wow look how this arrangement worked out just for you! You go off to work and the only thing on your mind is that you don’t get fired for being late, you want that promotion and etc, etc, etc. By the time your child is alone with this trusted friend, things start off casually, they go out for ice cream or whatever the child chooses. He or she will build a buddy system for them especially for a younger child, by rewarding them of their friendship. So they take them to a specific store in the mall and let’s say “Gamestop” and the child says, “My mom won’t let me play Call of Duty because I’m only 6.” This is what generally happens. The perp will buy the gift and show the child the gift they bought only to tease the child. He/she will later ask the child why they feel they should receive the gift. If the child feels justified in getting the gift they will say I can handle it, then the perp will have the child promise them to keep secrets and if they break that promise no more gifts, other times they’ll say if you think you can handle “big kid” stuff then you need to do big kid things like keeping secrets. A healthy child won’t accept gifts from anyone and will find this demeanor unusual and will either run away from the perp by saying they need to use the bathroom or go to another adult in the mall to tell them about the adult they are with, if that’s the case this child was very well trained.
Once the secret has been developed, doesn’t mean it’s too late for you, here’s what you can do to help your child you ask them about their day when the perp is gone, when you ask your child if they received any gifts and you notice some hesitency, then you do not barade them that’ll make them turn away from you. I know it sounds unfair, but the grooming has already begun, now you just have to ungroom your child from this person. You say to your child that if this person buys you a gift we need to get them a thank you card and I just want to know specifically what gift it is so that I can properly thank them for, just an FYI this may work for younger children, teens not so much. In this case if your child rebels, which is usually tweeners and teens (ages 10-14) there’s no use in arguing with them, it’ll make it worse, but you can refrain them from seeing that person again. You retrain your child that secrets are not allowed in the home and talk to them about child exploitation, have them watch the movie “Trust” with you, even if you feel they may not listen, but showing them the movie will shed some light on what they just experienced.
These three steps are for parents who still have minor children, these steps are here to help you look for signs to be aware of. I have educated and taught my son never to accept money, toys or gifts from ANYONE without my permission this even goes for people at church, school or even friends/neighbors that we know. My son knows to call me at all times of his whereabouts, no call no tv, computer, or xbox for a day. You are the protector of your child, be the parent not a friend. FYI: Not all predators will follow this mechanism, most of the time you may not even be aware that your child befriended a predator, that is why it’s soooo important to get to know your child’s friends ALL OF THEM, including their parents as well.
If your child is a walker, meaning they have to walk home from school or to school alone, see if one of the PTA moms live close to you and are willing to have your child buddy with them, if not; then you get them a bike, a bike is much faster for a child to run away from the perp then legs, unless he’s a marathon runner. On the first week that your child walks/rides a bike from school keep an eye on the approximate time, most of us who work may not have this luxury, so what you do is find out what time your child gets out of school, if your child has a cell phone have them call or text you the moment they are home, make sure the phone will time stamp the call, that way you know for sure your child made it safe. When your child has to walk to and from school, then you need to TRAIN your child not to associate with anyone, the first rule is to be home promptly, this is not to be rude it’s to be cautious. A child who feels a parents doesn’t care about their where abouts then the perp will also sense that as well. I do understand that some parents have to work and is unable to pick up their child from school and many times will have to leave their child unsupervised for a couple of hours, if that is the case make sure there is a phone that the child can use at home at all times, make sure the doors are locked as well. In a perfect world, we could have grandparents watching our child after school or we can get home in time to pick our child up, but that is not the case. The most important thing to remember is, if you aren’t training your child to be aware, then you’re not doing your job. Remember the fire drill tactic, even when there’s no fire we still had to run the drill, this is NO different than a fire drill, your child will automatically learn to protect themselves because you kept them trained. I hope you have learned something from this and I will write more about grooming with young adult women as well. If you should have any questions of any of my post you can send your feedback here or send me an e-mail at: chong@chongkim.net Thank you for following my blog.
