Anxious about Deployment

It’s 2:04 a.m. and it’s Saturday morning and I have yet gone to sleep.  My mind’s been racing all day and night, I tried to play some online games to erase the thoughts, but it just seems to echo louder.  Tonight, I just want to vent.  About a week ago, I finally had the courage to tell a friend how I felt about her whining and because of that she cut me off, I was hurt and angry and said “Fine.”  I met this friend in 2010 through a church and what started out as a person in need of a mentor turned into a loss of friendship.  In nearly a year, I did the best I could to be her shoulder to cry on, provided unlimited resources for her situation and she refused or decided to pick which ones she wanted instead.  I’ve even offered her new housing options so she could start a new, but all she kept going on was her ex that wasn’t paying child support either on time or not at all, this situation have been going on since July of 2010; we are going into May 2011.  I just got to a point that I was tired of hearing her whine and blasting him on her facebook like a high school girl, displaying what he’s done to her, which she has been doing this since July of last year.  I finally had the guts to tell her off and tell her to quit bitching about it and DO something!  I did the best I could to encourage her, to support her to knock down every negative thought she continued to plant in her head, then I realized I can’t fix her and she has to learn the hard way to figure shit out.

If I did the right thing, why does it hurt so bad?  Why do I care if she’s okay or if she’s still crying?  Would writing her back and telling her that I’ll always be there for her enable her to latch on to that co-dependency?  I admit, we had fun.  It was nice to visit each other homes and sit by the fireplace, drink coffee and just rant, either way it’s still a loss.  Plus, I’ve been feeling anxious lately with my husband’s deployment that I don’t know if my irritability has to do with that.  I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 8 days and really haven’t been craving it either, odd.  I’ve been spending a lot of my time at B & N and just finding some self-help books or humor books for women to read.  One of my pet peeves is to bitch about anything and I’m not one to whine, I like to move forward and keep moving forward.  I feel if I sit too long I might drown in my own misery.  Am I missing something?

Yesterday afternoon, I had dinner all planned out, my husband LOVES my homemade spring rolls, so I drove out to Komart and got a few items for the spring rolls, I had assume I had some extra rice papers at home so I didn’t think to get any.  By the time I got home, I put up the groceries and waited for my son to get home to spend some time with him while hubby was working outside of the house.  By the time 6 p.m. rolled around I got home getting the ingredients prepared and had my son assist me, until I realized there were no rice papers for the spring rolls and the nearest Asian market was about a 15-20 minute drive and I was very hungry.  Right then, all I could think about was wanting to scream.  I was watching my husband sitting on the recliner playing x-box, while I was preparing dinner.  Since my son was in the kitchen, I didn’t want to get angry so I got out some frozen dinners and popped them in the oven instead.

While I was waiting for the oven to get hot, I sat at the computer to play some games to calm myself down.  Racing thoughts came real quick in my head.  “Why is it that I ALWAYS have to prepare meals?  Just because you’re about to leave for deployment, why is it that I have to pamper you?  I would like someone make me dinner for a change?  This sucks and I’m tired!”  I could feel my head get hot and I wanted to scream.  I was watching my husband play his game and I let out a few sighs to let him know I was NOT in a good mood.  Just three more days til Chris and I have to drive out to Forest, MS and then we have to stay there til he departures on the 7th at the crack of dawn.  That is when he aboard a bus that will take his battalion to Ft. Sill, OK for additional training before they are headed to Iraq.

I know what you’re thinking . . . If you we live in TX, why don’t we drive out to Ft. Sill, OK which would be a 3 hour drive instead of Forest, MS which is a 7 hour drive?  All I have to say is, ask the military they are the ones that put this in order not me.  The 7th is a Saturday and I’m assuming I’ll be pretty emotional, so I plan to drive out after I see my husband go and then stop somewhere in Shreveport, LA rest for the night and head out first thing in the morning.  My father will be house sitting for me while I’m gone and I plan to take some of my extra anti-depressants just in case, but no loss can mend a broken heart.  I get teary eyed just thinking of him being gone and since Iraq is his first deployment overseas and we know we won’t be able to communicate like we use to when he was stationed in DC; it’s going to be hard.  Loving a military man is NOT easy, you have to adapt to the military lifestyle as well as their rules and orders.  I feel sorry for my son, he didn’t ask for this lifestyle.  Lately, I’ve been having problems with my son’s behavior in school that I contacted MilitaryOneSource for help and they advised counseling for my son.

My husband and I joined my son in his first counseling session this past Wednesday and when the counselor asked my son how does he feel about Chris’s deployment, my son said, “I don’t want him to go.”  I almost got teary-eyed and I was shocked to hear that from him.  My son is 11 going on 12 at the end of the summer and he’s at the age where he doesn’t like to talk much, especially about his feelings and when I heard him say that, it broke my heart.  I wanted to hug him and tell him that we need to depend on each other and be strong.  I don’t know exactly when my husband will be returning from Iraq, he says the dates are unknown.  Since I’ve been married to my husband which has been in 2008; I never once resented him in being in the military, I’ve always supported him, never asked him why his battalion is in MS when we live in TX and never ever made him feel he had to chose me or the military; but there are times I just wish he would tell me more about his feelings for me.  My husband doesn’t like to talk about his deployment much, he’s the type that likes to make sure everything is in order, to organize our finances and make sure the house is still going to stand even while he’s away; I’m not the military and I’m not his soldier, I’m his wife and all I want him to do is acknowledge that I’m the one waiting for him to return, waiting for his phone call, e-mails or any additional news about his deployment and since I don’t live in MS where the Family Readiness Program is available to me, I am here in TX, feeling alone and scared.

Being a military wife isn’t about waiting for our husbands to return home so things can be normal again, while he’s gone, I get to be mom and dad.  I get to be the handyman, plumber, and car mechanic, I get to be the protector at night while my son is asleep.  For the past three years my husband has spoiled me.  I was use to be independent, I was use to living alone and being a single parent, but now it feels too familiar but cold.  Am I making any sense?  I’ve prepared myself the best that I can, the list of supporters to call, places to visit to get a break and filling my days with activities and volunteer time, but no one can prepare me for the anxiety that I feel when reality sets in that he’s gone and he’ll be gone for at least 6 months to a year.  I’m going to close for now, thank you for letting me share.

Are you listening to me???

(Warning: If this is your first time reading then, I suggest you read: “My Real Name”, which is located on your right hand side in red fonts so you understand my story better, otherwise you will get lost in this blog.)

My reason to come up with this topic, has been about what I’m currently seeing in my life; through acquaintances, friends, church, my own family or all of the above.  One of the things I’ve noticed is that people flaunt perfection on the surface, everything is perfect they love to hold that flawless image to the world; but is the stress really worth it?  I remember having to survive prostitution and thinking, “I’m doing this for food, I’m doing this for a warm bed to sleep instead of a park bench and etc, etc, etc.  I also remember, the tears I kept pushing back every time I’d hold down this front, that things in my life were okay or at least manageable to me, but the truth is; when we believe that the world thinks we are okay, we are truly living a lie.  I will be honest with you, the people you claim as your friends: church, social networks, co-workers, fellow students and others really don’t want to tell you that they can see through your illusion of perfection.  Your real friends are: the people you are annoyed with, they tell you what to do or give advise even when you don’t want/like to hear them, they will tell you: “Honey, it’s time to let go of that illusion and be free.”  I see most people straddling the fence when it comes to what we want to hear and what we need to hear.

We pretend to show appreciation to those who annoy us the most, but at the same time, they are the ones financially helping me, they are the ones that will answer their phone at 4 a.m. in the morning and will come at the drop of a hat to babysit for me at the last minute when I have to do overtime and etc, you may pretend to show that appreciation, but I guarantee you, that those friends will start to build walls if you aren’t breaking your illusions down.  Come on people, we say it’s “easier” to listen to our illusions then to go with good advice, but let’s be honest we are just lazy and don’t want to take responsibility.  We’re pissed that a man left us, we’re pissed we didn’t get promoted because of our gender, lack of credit, color of our skin and everything else that goes wrong in our life, but you know what?  You’re NOT the only one who’s suffered, so wipe those tears and get crackin!  It’s time to move forward and GET what you want.  Do you want a man to love you!  Then start loving yourself FIRST!  If you’re tired of handouts, then get a JOB!

In a world with poor economy and a job loss that has plummet, but we set certain standards that we need to get paid more than $14.00 an hour before we’ll say yes to a job.  One of my biggest pet peeve is picky people who are using that line of BS as an excuse NOT to work, I’m sorry, but that’s my opinion.  Rent/Mortgage needs to be paid, kids need to be fed, bills need to be paid and the bill company don’t care about your salary or your status just as they are paid and if not you are OUT THE DOOR!  Let’s face it, not very many people idolize the idea of working at a fast food chain, but you know what?  They are doing it, you don’t see them on the street panhandling, it may not be a job of their ideal, but I respect them, because they are getting something done!  I’ve met with a single mom who work two shifts 1.) at a Grocery store making minimum wage and an evening job as a CNA trying to get her degree, but the important part is, she can still provide a roof over her childrens’ head, feed them and provide them with all she can muster and still kiss them goodnight.  She’s not on welfare, she doesn’t receive any child support from the father, but you know what she’s still handling her business like a woman should!  If you claim you can’t work, but you’re hustling on the street, then you need to get a job, if you are receiving welfare but you’re using the funds to support your habit: alcohol, cigarettes, pot and other substance that are not of importance, then get a job.  Tax payers shouldn’t have to support your habit.  (Side note, for those who are unable to work due to disability, crisis situation (shelter) or chose to be a stay at home mom in a two parent home this blog does not pertain to you, just an FYI.)

Why do we straddle the fence with unhealthy men?  Why do we make excuses after another for a boy who can’t respect a woman?  After reading the book, “Life Laughs” by Jenny McCarthy, I agree with her on many levels especially when it comes to broken relationships.  It’s time to move on, Ladies!  Just like Beth Moore would put it, in one of her “Breaking Free” seminar video: “If your girlfriend that you’ve known and trusted tells you that man is not good for you?  Girlfriend, Girlfriend, Girlfriend; it’s time to listen!”  We now have the luxury of audio tapes, video seminars, books, ipod podcasts and so forth of many strong women telling women like you to stand up and be a woman!  Only a manipulative A*hole would want to groom you and betray you, it’s time to listen up and pay attention.

For years, women have gone through so much stigma and judgment of being victims of Domestic Violence, Rape, Trafficking, Sexual Assault and so forth and it was a taboo to even speak about it, but now we have so many strong women who’ve been there and done that, telling young ladies today, you don’t have to go through what I went through and yet the words become those Charlie Brown cartoons, where the adult just murmurs.  I’m not trying to be mean at all, please do not get me wrong, being a victim is hard especially when you are of one, but after the crisis is over how much longer do you want to remain a victim?  If you don’t know, then do something about it, there are many many resources out there for you, quit making excuses and just go.

One of the biggest excuse I’ve heard is: “If I try that, it won’t work.”  Ladies, let me tell you something, if you DON’T TRY, then you will NEVER know and that is a guarantee.  One of the hardest thing I had to learn on my own when I was going through “survival” was my pity party.  I loved the counselors, advocates and people who were in the Human Rights & Women’s Rights venue, because I could tell my story over and over and I would get pampered and they’d feel sorry for me, until my sobs of pity became old.  One by one the people who are there to hear your story and to comfort you starts to walk away, they never had the guts to tell me to move forward or show me how or gave me options, they just sat there and let me cry it out until I got use to the attention.  I learned through real life situation that most people are going to pretend to care and they have their own crisis and truly do not have the time to join your pity party, I had one of those “annoying” true friends that told me this, when I asked where everybody was.

Jenny McCarthy, may not have been a Social Activist for Human Rights, or Mother Teresa who loved the world, but she is in fact a woman, mother and a writer who has feelings like you and I.  What I admire about her is her raw honesty and how she’s unafraid to say what she feels and the way she handled her blunder with humor.  She reminds me so much of me, for the people who know me, knows that I can be very blunt and very straight forward and it sometimes hurt, which I’m working on toning that down as we speak, but what I love and admire about strong women is that they don’t pretend, it may be the honesty we don’t like to admit in ourselves, but it’s honesty overall.

I use to have a very low self-esteem and the funny part of my insecurities, have never been about my physical disability.  When I was in my 20′s, after I left the trafficking industry and I was learning who I was, I was afraid that men wouldn’t like me because I had an invisible tatoo of a “slut”, because at that time I never imagined myself as a victim of trafficking, I was the girl who always got in trouble at home, school and even in foster care and when I was trafficked I literally thought God was punishing me, so when I was ready to face to world again in 1997, I chased after idiots that didn’t respect me, because I thought I was damaged goods, but through my times of being homeless and being rescued and cared for by strangers, not one ever mentioned my hip or why I was limping and to be honest I don’t remember if my limp was that noticeable, but as I got older and grew confidence in myself, more and more people apologize to me about my disability, assuming the traffickers had injured me so bad that I had a permanent limp.  I’ll have to share my disability in another post, but to explain things here; my trafficker was the only one that noticed my disability and I remember he would threaten to break my legs if I didn’t comply and immediately having a flashback of being in a wheelchair and a metal leg brace as a child I complied to his demands.

My biggest fear other than my baby sister being harmed was losing my legs, death didn’t even come first.  As I’m getting older, my disability is getting stronger, but I recently underwent a total hip replacement in my right hip so my limp now is prevalent then it was last year so I’m still in the “healing” stage, but even through that, I’m not afraid of showing my disability.  I refuse to hide my face to the world, I won’t pretend to walk perfect because people are watching.  My disability became apart of me and I have embraced it as long as I could remember.  When I hear people idolizing the idea of plastic surgery on their face because they don’t like their noses or they use Botox to reduce wrinkles on their face, have we conform to society’s idealization of what we should look like instead of embracing what God gave us?

If you feel like a failure, then you will be a failure.  If you feel you are unattractive, then you will be unattractive.  If you feel you are a bum then you will live like one.  If you don’t like my statements, then do something and CHANGE!  I cannot stress enough how confidence exudes in a woman, I’ve seen women who are overweight, but when they smile they are the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen and I’ve even had men tell me the same thing!  So, quit obsessing about your figure and just embrace the beautiful skin God gave you!  Thank you for letting me share!