It’s 2:04 a.m. and it’s Saturday morning and I have yet gone to sleep. My mind’s been racing all day and night, I tried to play some online games to erase the thoughts, but it just seems to echo louder. Tonight, I just want to vent. About a week ago, I finally had the courage to tell a friend how I felt about her whining and because of that she cut me off, I was hurt and angry and said “Fine.” I met this friend in 2010 through a church and what started out as a person in need of a mentor turned into a loss of friendship. In nearly a year, I did the best I could to be her shoulder to cry on, provided unlimited resources for her situation and she refused or decided to pick which ones she wanted instead. I’ve even offered her new housing options so she could start a new, but all she kept going on was her ex that wasn’t paying child support either on time or not at all, this situation have been going on since July of 2010; we are going into May 2011. I just got to a point that I was tired of hearing her whine and blasting him on her facebook like a high school girl, displaying what he’s done to her, which she has been doing this since July of last year. I finally had the guts to tell her off and tell her to quit bitching about it and DO something! I did the best I could to encourage her, to support her to knock down every negative thought she continued to plant in her head, then I realized I can’t fix her and she has to learn the hard way to figure shit out.
If I did the right thing, why does it hurt so bad? Why do I care if she’s okay or if she’s still crying? Would writing her back and telling her that I’ll always be there for her enable her to latch on to that co-dependency? I admit, we had fun. It was nice to visit each other homes and sit by the fireplace, drink coffee and just rant, either way it’s still a loss. Plus, I’ve been feeling anxious lately with my husband’s deployment that I don’t know if my irritability has to do with that. I haven’t had a cigarette in almost 8 days and really haven’t been craving it either, odd. I’ve been spending a lot of my time at B & N and just finding some self-help books or humor books for women to read. One of my pet peeves is to bitch about anything and I’m not one to whine, I like to move forward and keep moving forward. I feel if I sit too long I might drown in my own misery. Am I missing something?
Yesterday afternoon, I had dinner all planned out, my husband LOVES my homemade spring rolls, so I drove out to Komart and got a few items for the spring rolls, I had assume I had some extra rice papers at home so I didn’t think to get any. By the time I got home, I put up the groceries and waited for my son to get home to spend some time with him while hubby was working outside of the house. By the time 6 p.m. rolled around I got home getting the ingredients prepared and had my son assist me, until I realized there were no rice papers for the spring rolls and the nearest Asian market was about a 15-20 minute drive and I was very hungry. Right then, all I could think about was wanting to scream. I was watching my husband sitting on the recliner playing x-box, while I was preparing dinner. Since my son was in the kitchen, I didn’t want to get angry so I got out some frozen dinners and popped them in the oven instead.
While I was waiting for the oven to get hot, I sat at the computer to play some games to calm myself down. Racing thoughts came real quick in my head. “Why is it that I ALWAYS have to prepare meals? Just because you’re about to leave for deployment, why is it that I have to pamper you? I would like someone make me dinner for a change? This sucks and I’m tired!” I could feel my head get hot and I wanted to scream. I was watching my husband play his game and I let out a few sighs to let him know I was NOT in a good mood. Just three more days til Chris and I have to drive out to Forest, MS and then we have to stay there til he departures on the 7th at the crack of dawn. That is when he aboard a bus that will take his battalion to Ft. Sill, OK for additional training before they are headed to Iraq.
I know what you’re thinking . . . If you we live in TX, why don’t we drive out to Ft. Sill, OK which would be a 3 hour drive instead of Forest, MS which is a 7 hour drive? All I have to say is, ask the military they are the ones that put this in order not me. The 7th is a Saturday and I’m assuming I’ll be pretty emotional, so I plan to drive out after I see my husband go and then stop somewhere in Shreveport, LA rest for the night and head out first thing in the morning. My father will be house sitting for me while I’m gone and I plan to take some of my extra anti-depressants just in case, but no loss can mend a broken heart. I get teary eyed just thinking of him being gone and since Iraq is his first deployment overseas and we know we won’t be able to communicate like we use to when he was stationed in DC; it’s going to be hard. Loving a military man is NOT easy, you have to adapt to the military lifestyle as well as their rules and orders. I feel sorry for my son, he didn’t ask for this lifestyle. Lately, I’ve been having problems with my son’s behavior in school that I contacted MilitaryOneSource for help and they advised counseling for my son.
My husband and I joined my son in his first counseling session this past Wednesday and when the counselor asked my son how does he feel about Chris’s deployment, my son said, “I don’t want him to go.” I almost got teary-eyed and I was shocked to hear that from him. My son is 11 going on 12 at the end of the summer and he’s at the age where he doesn’t like to talk much, especially about his feelings and when I heard him say that, it broke my heart. I wanted to hug him and tell him that we need to depend on each other and be strong. I don’t know exactly when my husband will be returning from Iraq, he says the dates are unknown. Since I’ve been married to my husband which has been in 2008; I never once resented him in being in the military, I’ve always supported him, never asked him why his battalion is in MS when we live in TX and never ever made him feel he had to chose me or the military; but there are times I just wish he would tell me more about his feelings for me. My husband doesn’t like to talk about his deployment much, he’s the type that likes to make sure everything is in order, to organize our finances and make sure the house is still going to stand even while he’s away; I’m not the military and I’m not his soldier, I’m his wife and all I want him to do is acknowledge that I’m the one waiting for him to return, waiting for his phone call, e-mails or any additional news about his deployment and since I don’t live in MS where the Family Readiness Program is available to me, I am here in TX, feeling alone and scared.
Being a military wife isn’t about waiting for our husbands to return home so things can be normal again, while he’s gone, I get to be mom and dad. I get to be the handyman, plumber, and car mechanic, I get to be the protector at night while my son is asleep. For the past three years my husband has spoiled me. I was use to be independent, I was use to living alone and being a single parent, but now it feels too familiar but cold. Am I making any sense? I’ve prepared myself the best that I can, the list of supporters to call, places to visit to get a break and filling my days with activities and volunteer time, but no one can prepare me for the anxiety that I feel when reality sets in that he’s gone and he’ll be gone for at least 6 months to a year. I’m going to close for now, thank you for letting me share.