There is a movie that opened my eyes that triggered my emotions and behaviors. “The General’s Daughter” a very profound movie of rape, sexual abuse and betrayal. I realized the worst thing that can happen to a soul is betrayal it is far worse then the acts of violence itself, because it’s about a broken trust of someone we love or put our whole life on. The movie portrays a military daughter who’s father’s military pride becomes first on his agenda then the aftermath violence of rape of his daughter. He assisted in the cover up so he could continue to get his gold star, after the betrayal that the daughter received she decided to hurt her father in the only way she knew how. She became extremely promiscuous and slept with every guy that was under her father’s battalion so that the General had a reputation that his daughter was a whore. The ‘whore’ the name didn’t affect her anymore, because she already felt damaged by her father’s betrayal. This movie shed a light to my own discovery of my first love, JM.
Ever since my child sexual abuse as a three year old I thought my life would never be the same, but I was bound and determined to save myself to someone special. Someone I had loved for many years and his love for me would haunt me forever, for now we’ll call him “J M”. As a teenager, I didn’t date or was even promiscuous I was actually a virgin at least to me I was a virgin. I had known JM since elementary and as years went on our friendship grew along with my trust in him. When we were teenagers, we’d spend night after night on the phone and he would fill my ears up with lies that he told me things that were so profound that I didn’t realize he was so poisonous for me. Because I knew him since we were kids ourselves I never thought my best friend would betray me. One summer I was so in love with him and was mystified by his lies and deceit that I didn’t see what a monster he truly was. He was nothing but a charmer, a man who uses charms to manipulate to get his own way. I was a virgin and he lied to me and stated that he was too and I believed him, he persuaded me to give myself to him and we would unite together in paradise. I believed him so much and wanted to make that happen, then a friend of mine wanted to take me out of town with her and some friends. I went and found myself being re victimized after 15 years of hiding myself from my pain from my very first rape that I would be reunited with that nightmare that night. It was at that time I wanted his comfort, his sympathy and his protection, but he stood beside himself and cast me away treated me like damaged goods and said because I was no longer pure I was not worthy to be in his arms. I was so devastated from his betrayal that the rape itself seemed mediocre.
His betrayal haunted me for years, even while I was trafficked and after my trafficking experience I couldn’t get JM off my mind. I kept having dreams about him talking to me and a therapist once said that these dreams would continue to haunt me unless I find closure. A few months after my heart being broken I never thought I could fall in love again, I no longer had a goal to set to keep myself from anyone. I just didn’t care anymore, so the next man that would sweep me off his feet was just a mere desperation to be wanted and needed from the love I thought was there to replace the whole I had in my heart from a man I trusted for years. I’ve held this anger and resentment in my heart, looking back at all the “what if’s”, “what I shoulda done” and “why I didn’t see it” scenarios playing in my head. After JM came a recruiter disguised as my one and only beloved, he became my first that I gave my heart away so seeing his true colors of violence made it hard for me to depart myself from him, making excuses that if I could change him maybe he would learn to love me better. After my trafficking experience, something inside of me began to snap I started to split in two and haven’t been integrated as one. The other part of me I call, “Jules” she’s the alter ego in me that help me to disassociate from my trauma of pain. When men would come up to me, the “Chong” part of me would disappear and “Jules” would come out to play, she became them; a manipulator and would justify her unruliness from the hurt and trauma I’ve endured for years, that’s when I realized I’ve been damaged. It explains the reasoning for my past behaviors of unhealthy personal relationships and the lack there of, because as a survivor we go with what we know and that is to be in survival mode. I’ve done everything in therapy, but nothing has worked because therapist has not been updated on the long term trauma of sexual exploitation/trafficking. When I would see a therapist and tell them about my trafficking experience I would get, “Sorry, it doesn’t happen here.” or “Wow, I don’t know what to say?” Both scenarios would make me feel hopeless and lost, if the therapist couldn’t help me how was I going to find recovery? Where was I going to start my journey? In 2002, I went to my psychologist and begged on bended knees that I desperately needed help and medication and therapy alone wasn’t helping me I needed something more then just talking about it. It was at that time my doctor introduced “DBT” (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy), ever since I joined the group everything made sense. The Core mindfulness, especially when I get constantly distracted and my mind goes in racing thoughts of trauma, flashbacks and suppressed anger. Learning to develop inter personal skills with other people, for years I’ve felt that I didn’t belong and didn’t know how to be “normal” because of what I was only familiar with to everybody else what I experienced wasn’t the norm. The DBT also had skills training on how to cope with your flashbacks, your trauma and my alter ego, “Jules”. It was called, “Distress Tolerance” and I loved it, it helped me to stay accountable and to be mindful of what I was thinking and justifying and creating a chain of reaction to my decisions that I made every day. Since, my return to Texas I have not been reunited with DBT here and my marriage and my thought process got out of control.
My husband didn’t believe that I needed medication or therapy until triggers started surfacing and I was behaving defiantly and felt my suppressed anger towards men coming up. I started to resent my husband and holding every mistake he made towards me as a manipulation and control, because I felt backed up against the wall, I didn’t realize that the “Jules” part of me felt threatened by any man whether healthy or not, it was the mere fact that he was a man and was advising me what to do and to “Jules” it meant he was trying to control me. I didn’t marry in my early 20′s where everything is sugar and sweet and I’m still naive to the world around me, I married in my early 30′s after years of damage and regaining independence of my self-esteem and my welfare. Not having to depend on anyone, but me. Even though I would be considered low income it was the mere fact that I did it on my own and that made my proud and I wasn’t ready to let any man take that pride away from me. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m making any sense in my blog, but I want someone to know who’s going or gone through a similar situation that we’re not alone and through adequate therapy we can find harmony in our lives. Going back to the old fashion therapy and medication hasn’t helped me or helped me improve my skills, but I still use the DBT methods to help me stay afloat, but I need to find a DBT here in Dallas/ Ft. Worth, TX. Last night, my insomnia attacked me again and my mind kept racing thoughts of running away, wanting and desiring to end my marriage to gain my pride back, it has been a very difficult transition for me and it’s still a hard transition. I may not be in crisis mode anymore, but there are times I need someone to talk to, to vent and cry and say I want to runaway from here. My husband has been gone for almost 2 months and I have finally settled into this independence mode and now that he’s coming back and his demeanor says, “We’re going back to the way things were” makes me feel inferior and threatened. Does that make any sense? Sometimes I feel like I want to move out and get my own place have my independence back, marriage is a VERY difficult transition for me and one of the hardest part for me is to accept it. I have so much suppressed anger that keeps resurfacing and I need to find a way to deal with it, but I need my DBT therapist to help me through that. I plan to go to MHMR next week and ask about their DBT program and I pray they let me in. I will feel lost without it, it’s been the ONLY thing that works for me. I’m learning my past transgression has a lot to do with my triggers and behaviors that I have toward my marriage am I the only one going through this? I’d love to hear from another survivor’s spectrum. Right now, I’m just venting because I feel so frustrated and lost. My mind comes so randomly and doesn’t go in chronological order to forgive me for the confusion. I’m going to stop here and thank you for letting me share.