Christmas 2010

Christmas is usually a sad season for me.  I’ve lost so much in the past years, but this year I decided to bring the spirit back.  I remember as a small child, I loved Christmas not because of the gifts under the tree, but the lights, music and the snow.  I would watch the holiday cartoons every year as a child.  This year my husband finally came home on December 5th and we waited a week later to put up the Christmas tree and a week before Christmas we added the lights outside of our house.  Seeing the lights help put in the festive mood and since we didn’t have much in gifts this Christmas we made the best of it.  On Christmas Eve, our family went to the military base to get some last minute gifts and then went to El Chico for lunch.  When we got home, hubby played on the xbox for a little bit.  Then we started the turkey around 3 p.m. and the whole dinner didn’t start until after 10 p.m.  We had turkey and it was so moist and tender, yum!  We also had homemade stuffing, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy and cranberry sauce (homemade) as well.  I baked two homemade cheesecake the night before Christmas Eve.  One for us and the other to take at my parents.

Then on Christmas Eve, Chris wanted to show me his anime and we watched it til midnight.  Sent Anthony to bed, usually on a weekend he gets to sleep in the living room, but since Christmas fell on a Friday/Saturday night we told him to sleep in his room, that way we could sneak the presents under the tree.  By morning, my husband woke all of us up and we gathered in the living room by the tree and each one of us took turns opening our presents.  Anthony had a special one outside and my husband tricked him and told him to remove his toy from the porch, when Anthony went outside he saw his new bike with Barbie tassels and bells.  It was funny, but it was really good that we got to have laughs and enjoyed the moment.  Then we cleaned up after wards and relaxed for a bit, I got to get ready and fixed myself up before we were to head out to my parents.  My sisters and I aren’t really close so when we got there I was shocked to see gifts for me, but I was very appreciative of the thought.  I didn’t know what to get them so I decided on gift cards for everyone.  While we waited for dinner to be ready, we played a movie game where we call out the movie and the actor/actress who played in it and then we call out the movie that that actor/actress played in, if we miss we spell out the word M-O-V-I-E; once we reach E we were out.  It was fun, the whole family except my parents all played, even Anthony.  My sisters helped Anthony out since he didn’t know a lot of movies.  After dinner, more of my parent’s guest had arrived and my husband and I sat in the living room resting from our full stomachs and watched the game.  Cowboys vs. Cardinals (AZ) and while we were watching the game, I got to hold Sophie, my niece and she was so precious.  It reminded me of Anthony being that small, but less hair.

After awhile, we moved from the couch to the dining table and played some Rummy and it was on!  I was beating my husband it was so much fun!  There were times he beat me but we were so animated according to our guest that played with us.  After the game we started to say our goodbyes, we left Anthony there to spend time with his Aunts and grandparents, Chris and I drove back home.  That was our Christmas and it was pretty good this year!  I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Poster Child

Depression is like an ocean wave, it comes and goes and depends on the tide it sometimes linger in ways we can’t describe.  There are moments I don’t want to ever talk again, share my story or be in the media.  Every time I do share, it takes an emotional t0ll on me.  Even with medication and years of therapy and healing it isn’t easy rehashing the trauma all over again.  It’s very disheartening when I have people use “God” as a manipulation to get me to share my story.  Telling me it’s God’s will for me to share my story to help those in silence, I’m not Moses nor do I want to be.  When I share my story I share it to talk about my recovery, how I recovered and what steps that contributed my road to recovery.  It’s very overwhelming at times and I don’t think the public understands.  I’m human too and I feel like if I say something that I did or did not mention in my previous interviews or speaking engagement there are ridiculous assumptions of what the public thinks of me.  It is my prerogative to share what I want to share and it is my discretion of who I want to share it with.  When it comes to the media, I’m very limited to what I want to say and how I was trafficked and I’m getting annoyed with these insulting assumptions, if I shared something with you that wasn’t posted in an article or the media, feel privilege because I don’t share it with everyone.

Being a poster child comes with it’s own price, the media loves a story and a survivor’s story at best, but what the public doesn’t understand is that it can destroy lives, tear families and friends apart and create an ego that shouldn’t be there.  When I feel the pressure I feel like curling up in a ball and hide.  I don’t know if this will be a relation to anyone, but at least it will be an open mind concept, but I’m a Korean-American and growing up in a tight culture where our past transgression should be kept silent especially if it was violent whether we caused it or we were the victim makes no difference, it’s just not good to talk about it.  For years I’ve tried my best to play the “Good Daughter Role” and that means to be silent and move forward and forget the past.  Don’t get me wrong, it is important to try to move forward, but I disagree with leave the past where it is, otherwise we wouldn’t be able to pin point our current behaviors of triggers.  To rid of the past is saying we don’t need to know history and in my personal opinion, I believe it is wrong to just throw away the past.  You shouldn’t let the past dictate who you are or allow it to consume you, but use it as a revelation to your life now.  The point I’m trying to say is, my past has many contributions to how I think, believe and react to the way my life is today.  I struggle with my culture’s values and expectations and my need to survive as a woman and it is no easy task.  Even though it’s an ongoing struggle does not make me any less than a survivor then I already am.

We already live in a society where people throw their parents in nursing homes cared for by strangers, children defying their parents, spouses killing each other and parents killing and selling their own children.  I’m grateful that I’m not going through any of that right now, even though my family and I maybe dysfunctional, but what family is normal?  We all have our way to cope whether it’s through extreme religion, drugs, going out all the time, alcohol or denial that we even have a problem in our own home.  I’ve had people try so hard to encourage me to speak out even if it’s against the people I love, my question to you is could you do it?  No, you couldn’t but it’s easier to ask of me.  We can read articles of other people’s lives in chaos, but would we ever share our intimate moments or personal trauma to the world? No, we wouldn’t so why judge me for not sharing?  I understand the concept that people want to hear someone’s story in order to make an awareness a reality, but I have a life too.  I have a family to protect and I don’t have to exploit my family or myself in the expense of someone’s agenda to get a point across.  We live in a double standard rule, we talk about child exploitation, yet on the other hand we need children to do PSA’s, commercials and movies to get a point across for our message.  How can we send a message to millions without recycling lives to exploit?  Ponder on that for awhile.  There are some survivors that will share a message of hope, resilience and recovery without sharing their story, but they’re not always on the front cover those I respect.  Then you have the others who are stuck in a syndrome of “Poster Child” wanting that media attention, the need to feel important, but have forgotten about the rest of the world.  I see young girls watching music videos, so desperately wanting any attention whether good or bad, as long as they are in the spotlight, that what I see in some survivors in the spotlight.  They strip away their essence just to be in the spotlight, but the truth is they are still trapped in the revolving door of exploitation and enslavement.  I see this happen many times with fellow survivors and victims, most of them are so deep into the media they don’t realize they’ve victimized themselves to that scrutiny.  I refuse to be the poster child, I’m very cautious of who and what I share and I enjoy my privacy, I don’t need a millionaire to recognize me in order for me to share my story.

I don’t ever want to lose who I am and what my purpose is, it’s what makes me who I am.  I saw the trailer for the upcoming film, “The Beaver” and it reminded me of me.  When we look at celebrities we are very quick to judge their flaws and outburst, the ability to be imperfect and make their own mistakes and feel like human and it isn’t fair.  If every one of us were a celebrity and our lives were constantly on the front page news about our every flaw we couldn’t cope or we’d find alternative negative ways to deal with the problem.  Regardless of the tabloids, I will continue to watch a movie played by Mel Gibson.  I think he’s an outstanding actor and I do admire him for that.  I have no room in my book to judge him for his flaws, he’s just human and I hope he’s able to find peace somewhere in his life.  Well this is all I have to say for my blog.  Thank you for reading.

My Revelation

There is a movie that opened my eyes that triggered my emotions and behaviors.  “The General’s Daughter” a very profound movie of rape, sexual abuse and betrayal.  I realized the worst thing that can happen to a soul is betrayal it is far worse then the acts of violence itself, because it’s about a broken trust of someone we love or put our whole life on.  The movie portrays a military daughter who’s father’s military pride becomes first on his agenda then the aftermath violence of rape of his daughter.  He assisted in the cover up so he could continue to get his gold star, after the betrayal that the daughter received she decided to hurt her father in the only way she knew how.  She became extremely promiscuous and slept with every guy that was under her father’s battalion so that the General had a reputation that his daughter was a whore.  The ‘whore’ the name didn’t affect her anymore, because she already felt damaged by her father’s betrayal.  This movie shed a light to my own discovery of my first love, JM.

Ever since my child sexual abuse as a three year old I thought my life would never be the same, but I was bound and determined to save myself to someone special.  Someone I had loved for many years and his love for me would haunt me forever, for now we’ll call him “J M”.  As a teenager, I didn’t date or was even promiscuous I was actually a virgin at least to me I was a virgin.  I had known JM since elementary and as years went on our friendship grew along with my trust in him.  When we were teenagers, we’d spend night after night on the phone and he would fill my ears up with lies that he told me things that were so profound that I didn’t realize he was so poisonous for me.  Because I knew him since we were kids ourselves I never thought my best friend would betray me.  One summer I was so in love with him and was mystified by his lies and deceit that I didn’t see what a monster he truly was.  He was nothing but a charmer, a man who uses charms to manipulate to get his own way.  I was a virgin and he lied to me and stated that he was too and I believed him, he persuaded me to give myself to him and we would unite together in paradise.  I believed him so much and wanted to make that happen, then a friend of mine wanted to take me out of town with her and some friends.  I went and found myself  being re victimized after 15 years of hiding myself from my pain from my very first rape that I would be reunited with that nightmare that night.  It was at that time I wanted his comfort, his sympathy and his protection, but he stood beside himself and cast me away treated me like damaged goods and said because I was no longer pure I was not worthy to be in his arms.  I was so devastated from his betrayal that the rape itself seemed mediocre.

His betrayal haunted me for years, even while I was trafficked and after my trafficking experience I couldn’t get JM off my mind.  I kept having dreams about him talking to me and a therapist once said that these dreams would continue to haunt me unless I find closure.  A few months after my heart being broken I never thought I could fall in love again, I no longer had a goal to set to keep myself from anyone.  I just didn’t care anymore, so the next man that would sweep me off his feet was just a mere desperation to be wanted and needed from the love I thought was there to replace the whole I had in my heart from a man I trusted for years.  I’ve held this anger and resentment in my heart, looking back at all the “what if’s”, “what I shoulda done” and “why I didn’t see it” scenarios playing in my head.  After JM came a recruiter disguised as my one and only beloved, he became my first that I gave my heart away so seeing his true colors of violence made it hard for me to depart myself from him, making excuses that if I could change him maybe he would learn to love me better.  After my trafficking experience, something inside of me began to snap I started to split in two and haven’t been integrated as one.  The other part of me I call, “Jules” she’s the alter ego in me that help me to disassociate from my trauma of pain.  When men would come up to me, the “Chong” part of me would disappear and “Jules” would come out to play, she became them; a manipulator and would justify her unruliness from the hurt and trauma I’ve endured for years, that’s when I realized I’ve been damaged.  It explains the reasoning for my past behaviors of unhealthy personal relationships and the lack there of, because as a survivor we go with what we know and that is to be in survival mode.  I’ve done everything in therapy, but nothing has worked because therapist has not been updated on the long term trauma of sexual exploitation/trafficking.  When I would see a therapist and tell them about my trafficking experience I would get, “Sorry, it doesn’t happen here.” or “Wow, I don’t know what to say?”  Both scenarios would make me feel hopeless and lost, if the therapist couldn’t help me how was I going to find recovery?  Where was I going to start my journey?  In 2002, I went to my psychologist and begged on bended knees that I desperately needed help and medication and therapy alone wasn’t helping me I needed something more then just talking about it.  It was at that time my doctor introduced “DBT” (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy), ever since I joined the group everything made sense.  The Core mindfulness, especially when I get constantly distracted and my mind goes in racing thoughts of trauma, flashbacks and suppressed anger.  Learning to develop inter personal skills with other people, for years I’ve felt that I didn’t belong and didn’t know how to be “normal” because of what I was only familiar with to everybody else what I experienced wasn’t the norm.  The DBT also had skills training on how to cope with your flashbacks, your trauma and my alter ego, “Jules”.  It was called, “Distress Tolerance” and I loved it, it helped me to stay accountable and to be mindful of what I was thinking and justifying and creating a chain of reaction to my decisions that I made every day.  Since, my return to Texas I have not been reunited with DBT here and my marriage and my thought process got out of control.

My husband didn’t believe that I needed medication or therapy until triggers started surfacing and I was behaving defiantly and felt my suppressed anger towards men coming up.  I started to resent my husband and holding every mistake he made towards me as a manipulation and control, because I felt backed up against the wall, I didn’t realize that the “Jules” part of me felt threatened by any man whether healthy or not, it was the mere fact that he was a man and was advising me what to do and to “Jules” it meant he was trying to control me.  I didn’t marry in my early 20′s where everything is sugar and sweet and I’m still naive to the world around me, I married in my early 30′s after years of damage and regaining independence of my self-esteem and my welfare.  Not having to depend on anyone, but me.  Even though I would be considered low income it was the mere fact that I did it on my own and that made my proud and I wasn’t ready to let any man take that pride away from me.  Sometimes, I wonder if I’m making any sense in my blog, but I want someone to know who’s going or gone through a similar situation that we’re not alone and through adequate therapy we can find harmony in our lives.  Going back to the old fashion therapy and medication hasn’t helped me or helped me improve my skills, but I still use the DBT methods to help me stay afloat, but I need to find a DBT here in Dallas/ Ft. Worth, TX.  Last night, my insomnia attacked me again and my mind kept racing thoughts of running away, wanting and desiring to end my marriage to gain my pride back, it has been a very difficult transition for me and it’s still a hard transition.  I may not be in crisis mode anymore, but there are times I need someone to talk to, to vent and cry and say I want to runaway from here.  My husband has been gone for almost 2 months and I have finally settled into this independence mode and now that he’s coming back and his demeanor says, “We’re going back to the way things were” makes me feel inferior and threatened.  Does that make any sense?  Sometimes I feel like I want to move out and get my own place have my independence back, marriage is a VERY difficult transition for me and one of the hardest part for me is to accept it.  I have so much suppressed anger that keeps resurfacing and I need to find a way to deal with it, but I need my DBT therapist to help me through that.  I plan to go to MHMR next week and ask about their DBT program and I pray they let me in.  I will feel lost without it, it’s been the ONLY thing that works for me.  I’m learning my past transgression has a lot to do with my triggers and behaviors that I have toward my marriage am I the only one going through this?  I’d love to hear from another survivor’s spectrum.  Right now, I’m just venting because I feel so frustrated and lost.  My mind comes so randomly and doesn’t go in chronological order to forgive me for the confusion.  I’m going to stop here and thank you for letting me share.

Runaway

As survivors, when we feel like we are backed up against the wall and we feel even a little threatened, we tend to run away or want to run away, we’re not use to conflict resolution.  Even in my own marriage I’ve thought about running away, I’ve wondered how my life would be without my partner.  I know it’s not wise to think about those things, but when I come to a problem I go back to what I’m use to; that is either being thrown out or running away from my problems.  In my short three years of marriage I’m learning so much.  I’m learning to compromise and to understand that I may not get everything I want in a relationship, but that it is a give and take relationship.  A couple days ago, I was going through some problems in my marriage without consulting with my partner,  I immediately assumed that our marriage would be over.

I had a fear of going back to the way things were, not that I couldn’t manage life without him but the reality needed to be checked.  Regardless of what I thought or how I felt I should be treated as an equal partner, I felt my needs weren’t met so I started thinking about finding housing for me and my son.  Without a 9-5 job and a record in your past it is hard to find a decent job.  Most of us who are survivors all have something in our past that tends to haunt us forever and even though we have blossomed and groomed to a better human being it’s still up to society to judge us whether we are capable to work in their environment.  I was watching George Lopez the other night and the episode was about their daughter, Carmen running away and even though she was gone for two weeks, she used what she knew to get her own way.  She threatened her father that she’d run away again if she didn’t get what she felt she deserved without looking at the risk possibilities and that’s something I’m learning right now.  I’m so use to being alone and handling things on my own.  Change for anyone whether you are a survivor or not can be difficult to adjust.  I’ll be the first to admit it isn’t easy for me and it’s a working progress.  Everyday that I talk to my husband he reminds me that we do need each other no matter how independent thinkers we are, but unity does have its perks.  I have to admit living with my husband I do have a home, my own car and I don’t have to worry about finding a job and I need to learn to appreciate those things.  I get to be a stay at home mom and spend time with my son and I feel as though we’ve become closer through the years.

If I were to move I’d have to find a job that will pay my rent or go to a Section 8 or government housing, having to worry about where my next meal come in and not having the things we use to have.  I’m not being abused for the first time in my life, my husband has been so patient with me with my struggles and my triggers and even though there are moments I like to have my “me time”, I have to remind myself that I’ve committed myself to a family so I need to concentrate on that.  My friend, Melanie is going through a divorce and she reminded me how lucky I am to have a man that is willing to listen and communicate with me and she is right.  Most of my past relationships I didn’t have very good communication skills as a survivor I’ve learned to deal with things and to prepare myself for the worst instead of learning to wait and trust and that is the hardest thing to do for a survivor.  When we panic we tend to jump into the lowest assumption of doom, at least I do anyways.  This past week has given me things to think about and to truly appreciate them.  My husband will be home this weekend and even though I want his homecoming to be perfect, I have to realize and give myself credit that I can do the best that I can and it’s okay not to be perfect.  Marriage is a learning transition for me and having to go through therapy has helped me, one of my past therapist reminded me that I’m not doing bad things, I’m just going over the survival method of surviving in my marriage and I just need a new tool to handle changes in my marriage instead of resorting to running away.  I’m still learning and I’ll continue to learn as long as my marriage continues.  Thank you for reading my blog.  I’m sharing this because I want you to know that my marriage is far from perfect and we need to recognize our own flaws and accept who we are to become the survivor we need to be and that’s what I still strive to be everyday.